Once again, I've been lax in my writing. I suppose you could say that I've been a bit uninspired over the past couple of weeks. I've had a lot on my mind, but not a lot that can really been expressed in words. I've had to work through a lot of pain and emotional stress, and it hasn't been the best experience of my life. However, how can a statue hope to become more beautiful without chipping and polishing?
This newest phase in my life has been one of the most challanging things that I've ever attempted. I've always dreamed of meeting my knight in shining armor, falling madly in love, leaping onto the back of his white stallion, and riding away into the sunset to live happily ever after. Yes, I know that not even fairy tales come true all the time. Every girl dreams of her fairy-tale romance, and most of the time, its a strange kind of magic that is completely unlike anything they ever could have imagined.
To be honest, I never thought that it would be this hard, this complicated, this wonderfully tragic and confusing at the same time. But you know what? God has blessed me in more ways than I ever thought possible. God has taken me and pruned away my imperfections. Yes, I will admit that I feel extreme inadequate at times. Am I prepared to be a wife? A mother? The manager of my own home? The caretaker of my husband, and one day, my children? I want whatever He wants for me. And I know this: it will be hard, but it will be worth it!
There is something special about Jon that I can't quite understand. There are times when I think I have him completely figured out, and then. . .he goes and shows me how well he can play chess! He throws me for a loop. He inspires me with ideas that I had never even imagined! And to be honest, sometimes, it scares me. (Note: Jon caught the error! lol So, I had to change it! =]]]) It scares me that one day, if God wills, I will be his wife. Never in a million years would I have dreamed that a man like him would love a girl like me. In all of my imperfections, he still cares for me with such adoration and tenderness that I brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it!
Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice is a story of love and hatred. Of pride and humility. Of shadows and light. Of two people. . .well, I suppose you could say four people. . .who find love in the strangest of opposites. Between Bingley and Jane, it is unchartered territory. It's sweet, romantic, loving tenderness. It's a gentle walk in the woods, a moonlit stroll. It's new, sweet, and mysterious. While they are easily swayed by the opinions of others, they find that they cannot live without one another. With Darcy and Lizzie, there is a challange between them. They ignite a spark within one another -- challange one another's minds and hearts in ways that they never thought possible. Their relationship sways from hatred to love and back again more times than a pendulum swings in an hour. And yet, in the end, he loves her. He kisses her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, and her lips. He calls her "Mrs. Darcy." He loves her with a fire-high passion.
I find both of these classic loves within my own love story. This is new for both of us. It's a sweet and tender romance. . .in which we both challange and confuse one another beyond the edge of reason. He changes my chess strategy, and yet, he says I think too much. What a mystery! A beautiful mystery that only God can understand. And yet, maybe I am beginning to understand, too. .
Oh, I wonder what God was thinkin'
When He created you.
I wonder if he knew everything I would need
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you,
He must have been thinking about me.
~When God Made You, Newsong
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
For Good
My best friend has graduated.
When she first told me that she would be graduating early, I don't think that I knew how much it would affect me later.
It hit me tonight.
Sierra graduating isn't the only thing going on in my life right now, but it seems to be kinda predominent at the moment.
I sat in that church building for the commencement ceremony tonight. I thought I was gonna be fine.
I wasn't.
We sang our "National Anthem." I had a flashback.
FLASHBACK:
I am standing in the middle of a basketball court. Two teams have already been introduced. The timer is set to go. Someone hums a note. I open my mouth. Voices harmonize. "Oh-oh, say can you see. . . ." It's me. And my best friend. Our first time singing like this. And I remember.
I got through the "rocket's red glare." And I lost it.
I started crying. A lot.
Good thing Jon was there, or I don't think I would have made it, to be honest.
I managed to maintain control until the man on the podium called out Sierra's name. She walked forward to get her diploma. She graduated. And I cried.
I was fine again. . .until tonight.
Then it hit me.
My best friend was gone. Graduated.
No more swapping papers.
No more late Monday night phonecalls to make sure that everything was edited.
No more her yelling at me to "CONDENSE YOUR VERBAGE!"
No more concuring during Mytho.
No more groaning over Chem problems.
No more school plays.
No more 15 minute lunch breaks.
No more high school memories for the two of us.
Now there's just me. Me. Two very lonely letters.
Okay, so I'm being overdramatic. But no one really understands me like Sierra does.
She gets my total INSANITY!
She gets how every little plot twist makes a difference. It's CRUCIAL, you know?
Inspiration excites her too, not just me!
She stays up until 2am thinking of a character name that does not start with the letter "A."
She's my best friend.
She's Sierra.
100% non-romantic. And yet, she puts up with me. For the most part. =]
I guess all I can say is: thanks.
It's not over yet. Well, sorta!
Sleepovers. Movies. Laughing.
Grits and eggs. Wheech sheep?
The root of "coo."
Snoring squirrels.
Mr. Darcy.
Godspell.
Hi-ho, Robin Hood.
Fluency of Espanol percentages.
Thanks Sierra.
Thanks for being my best friend.
Thanks for being there for me.
Thanks for just being you.
Thanks.
100 times over.
Oh yeah. And DON'T SMASH THE VIOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=]]]]]
I concur.
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun.
Like a steam that meets a boulder halfway through the woods.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part,
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.
~For Good, Wicked
When she first told me that she would be graduating early, I don't think that I knew how much it would affect me later.
It hit me tonight.
Sierra graduating isn't the only thing going on in my life right now, but it seems to be kinda predominent at the moment.
I sat in that church building for the commencement ceremony tonight. I thought I was gonna be fine.
I wasn't.
We sang our "National Anthem." I had a flashback.
FLASHBACK:
I am standing in the middle of a basketball court. Two teams have already been introduced. The timer is set to go. Someone hums a note. I open my mouth. Voices harmonize. "Oh-oh, say can you see. . . ." It's me. And my best friend. Our first time singing like this. And I remember.
I got through the "rocket's red glare." And I lost it.
I started crying. A lot.
Good thing Jon was there, or I don't think I would have made it, to be honest.
I managed to maintain control until the man on the podium called out Sierra's name. She walked forward to get her diploma. She graduated. And I cried.
I was fine again. . .until tonight.
Then it hit me.
My best friend was gone. Graduated.
No more swapping papers.
No more late Monday night phonecalls to make sure that everything was edited.
No more her yelling at me to "CONDENSE YOUR VERBAGE!"
No more concuring during Mytho.
No more groaning over Chem problems.
No more school plays.
No more 15 minute lunch breaks.
No more high school memories for the two of us.
Now there's just me. Me. Two very lonely letters.
Okay, so I'm being overdramatic. But no one really understands me like Sierra does.
She gets my total INSANITY!
She gets how every little plot twist makes a difference. It's CRUCIAL, you know?
Inspiration excites her too, not just me!
She stays up until 2am thinking of a character name that does not start with the letter "A."
She's my best friend.
She's Sierra.
100% non-romantic. And yet, she puts up with me. For the most part. =]
I guess all I can say is: thanks.
It's not over yet. Well, sorta!
Sleepovers. Movies. Laughing.
Grits and eggs. Wheech sheep?
The root of "coo."
Snoring squirrels.
Mr. Darcy.
Godspell.
Hi-ho, Robin Hood.
Fluency of Espanol percentages.
Thanks Sierra.
Thanks for being my best friend.
Thanks for being there for me.
Thanks for just being you.
Thanks.
100 times over.
Oh yeah. And DON'T SMASH THE VIOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=]]]]]
I concur.
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun.
Like a steam that meets a boulder halfway through the woods.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part,
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.
~For Good, Wicked
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Another Try
So. . . .
If you remember, I mentioned (or perhaps a better way of putting it would be that I wrote an epistle) about how I have recently (or not-so-recently, depending on how you wanna put it), entered into a relationship with an amazing guy named Jon. One problem: you might be sitting there wondering, "Who the HECK is this guy?" Well, thank you for asking. . .please allow me to fill you in! (And right here, I am going to be stealing his idea of doing the 5 W's. . . .thanks, darling!)
Who is he? His name is Jon. He's 20, which makes me feel young (or old), depending on the situation and whether or not I'm being random and/or immature at the moment of the revelation. He's the oldest of a family of eleven, not counting the three psuedo-foster kids living at the house at the moment. Jon is part of an incredible family which I love almost as much as my own!
Where did I meet him? Church. Yeah, weird, I know. I mean, after being surrounded by guys at all the places and experiences that I have been to or been a part of, I meet the guy at church. Yes, God! I have seen the irony. You were right the whole time, and I was wrong! (And in this case, I am exceptionally happy to be wrong!)
When did I meet him, or how long have I known him? I have known him for almost seven years. I have been liked by him for three years. . . .and we can forget the middle two/three. . . . . .and I have been beloved by him for almost a month, which seems like the longest/shortest month that I have ever lived!
What is he? He is a truck-loving, blonde-haired, green-eyed (okay, I concede!!!), strong Chrisitian guy. He knows pretty much EVERYTHING about trucks, which amazes me sometimes. He's funny -- and random, even if he doesn't quite know it yet! But now I'm starting to bleed into the next question, which is. . .
Why have I fallen in "like" with this guy? I mean, it's a big world with lots of amazing guys in it, right? Well, if there are, I think I've gotten the best of the lot. Jon is such a strong man of God -- that right there could be enough! He's humble in that he will admit his mistakes and turn away from them in the future. He's got a good head on his shoulders. . .common sense and smarts all in one. He's got a great sense of humor, which is quite essential to be in a relationship with me. He's gorgeous. Hands-down! Blonde hair, STUNNING greenish-blue eyes (there, that works, right?), a killer smile . . .this list could go on and on. And if his outward appearence wasn't enough, his heart is incredible! He is gentle, kind, romantic (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever let the guy tell you that he is not romantic. HE IS, and he hits the nail on the head EVERY TIME!), sweet, funny, loving, loves his family, loves God, respects leadership, is a leader himself, cares about others, respects me, protects me, cares for me, prays with me, draws me closer to GOD. . . . . . . . .this list could go on until the end of time.
Favorite memory of us (so far. . .)? It's a toss-up between our first date and the weekend that we went up to his grandpa's lake house. Those two events cemented in my heart everything about him and I being together. Oh yeah, and our walks together pretty much rock. And we talk on the phone for about an hour and a half every night. And he's gotten surprising me down to an ART! =]
There are days when I look at him and think, "Wow! I am so unworthy! I don't deserve him." And then I realize, "I'm unworthy to be loved by God, too. And yet, God still loves me, regardless!" In some respects, Jon has been a true shadow of the love of God. It's AWESOME! Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Josh Turner puts it so perfectly. . .although I just had to tweak it a bit. . .
The reasons I was along I know by heart,
I DONT HAVE to spend forever in the dark.
I swear THIS time I'll hang on for dear life.
Since love gave me another try.
~Josh Turner, edited for these purposes by Artie, the luckiest and most blessed girl alive!
If you remember, I mentioned (or perhaps a better way of putting it would be that I wrote an epistle) about how I have recently (or not-so-recently, depending on how you wanna put it), entered into a relationship with an amazing guy named Jon. One problem: you might be sitting there wondering, "Who the HECK is this guy?" Well, thank you for asking. . .please allow me to fill you in! (And right here, I am going to be stealing his idea of doing the 5 W's. . . .thanks, darling!)
Who is he? His name is Jon. He's 20, which makes me feel young (or old), depending on the situation and whether or not I'm being random and/or immature at the moment of the revelation. He's the oldest of a family of eleven, not counting the three psuedo-foster kids living at the house at the moment. Jon is part of an incredible family which I love almost as much as my own!
Where did I meet him? Church. Yeah, weird, I know. I mean, after being surrounded by guys at all the places and experiences that I have been to or been a part of, I meet the guy at church. Yes, God! I have seen the irony. You were right the whole time, and I was wrong! (And in this case, I am exceptionally happy to be wrong!)
When did I meet him, or how long have I known him? I have known him for almost seven years. I have been liked by him for three years. . . .and we can forget the middle two/three. . . . . .and I have been beloved by him for almost a month, which seems like the longest/shortest month that I have ever lived!
What is he? He is a truck-loving, blonde-haired, green-eyed (okay, I concede!!!), strong Chrisitian guy. He knows pretty much EVERYTHING about trucks, which amazes me sometimes. He's funny -- and random, even if he doesn't quite know it yet! But now I'm starting to bleed into the next question, which is. . .
Why have I fallen in "like" with this guy? I mean, it's a big world with lots of amazing guys in it, right? Well, if there are, I think I've gotten the best of the lot. Jon is such a strong man of God -- that right there could be enough! He's humble in that he will admit his mistakes and turn away from them in the future. He's got a good head on his shoulders. . .common sense and smarts all in one. He's got a great sense of humor, which is quite essential to be in a relationship with me. He's gorgeous. Hands-down! Blonde hair, STUNNING greenish-blue eyes (there, that works, right?), a killer smile . . .this list could go on and on. And if his outward appearence wasn't enough, his heart is incredible! He is gentle, kind, romantic (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever let the guy tell you that he is not romantic. HE IS, and he hits the nail on the head EVERY TIME!), sweet, funny, loving, loves his family, loves God, respects leadership, is a leader himself, cares about others, respects me, protects me, cares for me, prays with me, draws me closer to GOD. . . . . . . . .this list could go on until the end of time.
Favorite memory of us (so far. . .)? It's a toss-up between our first date and the weekend that we went up to his grandpa's lake house. Those two events cemented in my heart everything about him and I being together. Oh yeah, and our walks together pretty much rock. And we talk on the phone for about an hour and a half every night. And he's gotten surprising me down to an ART! =]
There are days when I look at him and think, "Wow! I am so unworthy! I don't deserve him." And then I realize, "I'm unworthy to be loved by God, too. And yet, God still loves me, regardless!" In some respects, Jon has been a true shadow of the love of God. It's AWESOME! Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Josh Turner puts it so perfectly. . .although I just had to tweak it a bit. . .
The reasons I was along I know by heart,
I DONT HAVE to spend forever in the dark.
I swear THIS time I'll hang on for dear life.
Since love gave me another try.
~Josh Turner, edited for these purposes by Artie, the luckiest and most blessed girl alive!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I'm For You
Okay, so pretty much, there's been a lot of stuff going on around here over the past couple of days. . .okay, more like over the past week! My life as a Junior is coming to a close, and Senior year is starting to come around the corner. Which means that life is about to become even MORE chaotic! HELP!!
I refuse to allow the Devil to steal my joy. I REFUSE! However. . .it is so much eaiser said than done. A lot of stuff seems to be kitting me right between the eyes! My best friend is graduating and leaving me to wade through my last year of High School without any true chica friends (at school). Another one of my friends, someone who I thought was one of my best friends, is starting to leave me in the lurch. My schedule for my Senior year is insane! And then, there's my relationship with Jon. So yeah. Life is insane. But amazing at the same time!
It's really awesome to have a GOD that totally gets me, even when life seems to be driving away and leaving me behind! GOD has really been showing me HIS majesty and love. . .and trust me, you've never known true love until you've been loved by GOD!!!
One more thing: my man prays with me! It's amazing! Ever since we've started praying together, our relationship has been growing in ways that I never thought possible. It's become where we pray together everytime we see each other -- it's really helped a lot! Last night, Jon and I stepped aside to pray together before he left. I had a posse of chicas sleeping over, and a couple of them were outside with us. When Jordan and Hannah saw Jon and I praying, they about had a heart attack! They were so amazed that I had found a guy that actually WANTS to pray with me! To quote Jordan: "I want a guy that prays with me!!!" Wow!!! GOD has blessed me in AWESOME ways!
Gotta go get ready for the banquet. . .which I will fill you in on later! Oh yeah, and I gotta tell you guys about Jon, too. . . . . . . .I promise to fill you soon! (Check back tomorrow. . .ish. . . .)
=] <3
"Whatever I gotta be,
I'll be for you.
Whatever you need from me,
To see you through.
Every one of us has stumbled,
And I'm for you!
~I'm For You, by TobyMac
I refuse to allow the Devil to steal my joy. I REFUSE! However. . .it is so much eaiser said than done. A lot of stuff seems to be kitting me right between the eyes! My best friend is graduating and leaving me to wade through my last year of High School without any true chica friends (at school). Another one of my friends, someone who I thought was one of my best friends, is starting to leave me in the lurch. My schedule for my Senior year is insane! And then, there's my relationship with Jon. So yeah. Life is insane. But amazing at the same time!
It's really awesome to have a GOD that totally gets me, even when life seems to be driving away and leaving me behind! GOD has really been showing me HIS majesty and love. . .and trust me, you've never known true love until you've been loved by GOD!!!
One more thing: my man prays with me! It's amazing! Ever since we've started praying together, our relationship has been growing in ways that I never thought possible. It's become where we pray together everytime we see each other -- it's really helped a lot! Last night, Jon and I stepped aside to pray together before he left. I had a posse of chicas sleeping over, and a couple of them were outside with us. When Jordan and Hannah saw Jon and I praying, they about had a heart attack! They were so amazed that I had found a guy that actually WANTS to pray with me! To quote Jordan: "I want a guy that prays with me!!!" Wow!!! GOD has blessed me in AWESOME ways!
Gotta go get ready for the banquet. . .which I will fill you in on later! Oh yeah, and I gotta tell you guys about Jon, too. . . . . . . .I promise to fill you soon! (Check back tomorrow. . .ish. . . .)
=] <3
"Whatever I gotta be,
I'll be for you.
Whatever you need from me,
To see you through.
Every one of us has stumbled,
And I'm for you!
~I'm For You, by TobyMac
Monday, May 5, 2008
History
Okay.
It's midnight.
And I can't sleep.
Jon's right. I need to rethink my sleeping habits.
I have a lot on my mind. Good things. Amazing things, actually.
Last night. . .okay, so this past weekend. . .was amazing.
Walls came down.
God is AWESOME!
I have been so blessed to have such an amazing guy in my life.
It's stunning.
Last night just hit me in the right spot, I guess.
We needed that.
I needed to be forgiven.
And I am.
100%.
God's like that, too.
No matter how many times we fall, He still comes and picks us up again.
He always forgives us.
Before last night, I guess I've never seen a true picture of that. I mean, my parents have forgiven me for sins and mistakes.
Last night was the first time I've ever bared my soul for someone outside of my family, to that extent.
And it was freeing.
No more secrets. No more dark closets with hidden past mistakes.
Just freedom.
Yesterday is history.
And history is miles away.
So leave it all behind you.
Let it always remind you of the day
The day
That love made history.
~Jistory, Matthew West
It's midnight.
And I can't sleep.
Jon's right. I need to rethink my sleeping habits.
I have a lot on my mind. Good things. Amazing things, actually.
Last night. . .okay, so this past weekend. . .was amazing.
Walls came down.
God is AWESOME!
I have been so blessed to have such an amazing guy in my life.
It's stunning.
Last night just hit me in the right spot, I guess.
We needed that.
I needed to be forgiven.
And I am.
100%.
God's like that, too.
No matter how many times we fall, He still comes and picks us up again.
He always forgives us.
Before last night, I guess I've never seen a true picture of that. I mean, my parents have forgiven me for sins and mistakes.
Last night was the first time I've ever bared my soul for someone outside of my family, to that extent.
And it was freeing.
No more secrets. No more dark closets with hidden past mistakes.
Just freedom.
Yesterday is history.
And history is miles away.
So leave it all behind you.
Let it always remind you of the day
The day
That love made history.
~Jistory, Matthew West
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Amazed
Wow. I really need to become more consistant with how often I write on here. Seriously. Anyway. . .
So before, I mentioned that in the past several years, I had been lowered further than I ever thought possible. And well, it was hard. Horrible, actually. And yet, I don't think I would be the person that I am today if I hadn't gone through all of that pain and heartache.
Everyone has things that they view as most important in their lives. It's different for each person. For me, it was BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had an insatiable hunger for love that I simply could not BEAR! I needed someone in my life to love me, to care for me, and to treat me like a princess. I have an amazing daddy -- however, in my narrow romantic perspective, I needed a Prince Charming to come and save the day. But , I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, as always! Like the song says: "Let's start at the very beginning. . ." (NOTE: The following is EXTREMELY ABRIDGED! Just a brief warning. . .)
Flashback: I was 11. I was insane! I was immature, to a point. I was impatient. And I was boy-crazy! I had countless crushes on various guys from the age of 9, and well. . .as you can imagine, it wasn't the best way for me to live my life at that age. Until, that is, I met Jon. I can still remember the day when that 15-passenger van pulled into our church parking lot. . .and eight kids walked out! Jon was the oldest at 13, blonde, and amazingly sweet.
On March 28, 2001, Jon gave me a literal love letter. Naturally, I. . .well. . .I FREAKED OUT! I was 11, and love letters only happened in fairy tales or really romatic movies.
That letter -- written in shaky, nervous-teenage-boy handwriting on a faded piece of sketch paper -- still echos in my mind. "My dearest Rachel. . ." From that moment on, I was enthralled. I was as much in love as a crazy 11 year old can ever be. We hung out at his farm, my farm, at church. . .etc. Days turned into weeks, to months, and before I knew it, several years had rolled by, and I was getting ready to be a Freshman in Highschool. Even before I walked through those doors of Hallstrom Homeschool Workshop, I had become less excited by the whole idea of "me and Jon." I was starting high school at an entirely new level. . .with amazing guys EVERYWHERE! I was totally unprepared for what happened next. . .
It happened like a nightmare, or one of those slow-motion scenes from a horror movie. I walked away from Jon. I met another guy (who I will keep nameless). He was a Sophomore, played guitar, and was exceptionally popular. He asked me out on December 7, 2004, and a week later, I broke up with Jon to go out with "the other guy." The look on Jon's face is forever burned into my mind. There are not enough words in the English, Spanish, or French languages combined to express my guilt and regret. I turned away, and walked straight into the arms of Death.
To make an extremely long story short, Mr. Popular left me in the lurch three months later. And well. . .I began a vicious cycle of going from boy to boy to boy that nearly destroyed me. I began to loose myself. I harbored thoughts of suicide, and I even began a brief decent into self-mutilation. I hated my body and physical appearance -- everything about myself became loathsome in my mind. There was no point to life. No one would ever love me. I just knew that I would spend the rest of my pathetic life as a lonely girl who did nothing but wander among guys until I died. I had become a "Christian" at the age of 4, and then 7, and finally at 12. But those were nothing more than the cries of a little girl who was scared of going to hell. At that time in my life, God seemed angry, distant, and cruel.
And then I went to Peru.
In 2006, I went on my first mission trip to Lima, Peru, South America. It was incredible! God worked in my heart and life like nothing I have ever experienced before! God revealed Himself to me as the One who loved me and cared for me. I shed my self-loathing, and became a new person. It was an experience that I will never forget. But even still, I had not surrendered the one thing that I desperately needed to lay down before God -- boys.
When school started my Sophomore year, I was ready to make a new start with new friends and a new reputation. And it was then that God sent my guardian angel into my life -- Michael. Michael was the older brother of one of my close friends, and we hit it off pretty quick. We were exceptionally close in age (four days apart, with me being older), and we share(d) a love for writing and the theatric. I had a brief crush on him which soon faded when it became clear to me that we could never view each other as anything more than friends. In the nightmarish days that followed, Michael never wavered as my support and best friend. However, I continued my path to destruction in the area of boys. I never listened to Michael's wise council to give up dating and puruse patience and courtship when the right guy came along. Oh, I wish I would have! To please Michael, I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. However, I didn't want to give up my dating lifestyle. And yet, Michael never gave up on me. He was always waiting at the bottom of the cliff to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart and put me back together. . .again! He prayed for me and loved me through all the nightmares that followed me for the next several years.
The summer of 2007 was the turning point for me, I think. Three major events in my life that changed me forever all occured from July to August '07. . .and, wow. . .
First of all, I went back to Peru for the second time. It was here that God stripped away my hard heart and began to reveal to me the amazing plans that He had for my life. And it was there, kneeling on the mountain with tears streaming down my face and a rare beam of sunlight pouring out of the clouds, that I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. He became my Lord in all areas of my life. . .oh, except for boys! (No, I just don't LEARN!!!!)
[Okay, so by now, you might be wondering how Jon plays into this whole long life-story thing. It's coming, trust me!!! Bear with me. . .you won't regret it!]
The week after I came home from Peru, I left to attend Masterpiece Fine Arts Camp in Kentucky. It was a week of tears, another [exceptionally brief] relationship, and God working through my pen to create some of the most amazing poetry that I have ever penned in my entire LIFE! It was also here that Jon re-entered my mind. I mean, I had seen him at church and various Youth Group events, but our friendship had been entirely severed. He ignored me, and made a point to avoid me at all possible oppertunities. While I was sitting on a small cement bench under a tree, Jon's face somehow made its way into my head. I wrote my feelings at the time into one of my brief poems, which I will post on here eventually.
After leaving Kentucky, I headed to Colorado for a two-week Youth Leadership seminar called Summit. And it was there that I made three of the biggest mistakes of my life: a) I gave yet another piece of my heart away to a very smooth-taking guy[name withheld], b) I gave away my first kiss, and c) I put myself in a compromising position with this guy. And he took advantage of it. To sum it up: he tried to rape me. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my entire life. Thank God that I was able to escape with my purity untainted. However, the event scarred me. And the Devil used it.
I began to fall into various traps that the Devil laid at my feet. I was tempted, and I sucumbed far too many times. While God had saved my physical purity, I allowed my mental purity to be stripped away from me, little by little. It was God that saved me. Only God. I shudder to think where I would be today if I hadn't gotten out.
At this time, I entered into a relationship with another guy. This one was a true test of my loyalty, and even though he was giving me no affection or love whatsoever, I stuck with him to prove to myself that I could stick it out. Even when the going got really really really really tough!!
This is where it starts getting amazing, people. My sister went to visit her family up in Minnesota in March of 2008. On Thursday, March 27, I invited Rachel (Jon's younger sister and one of my exceptionally close friends) to sleep over at my house. Jon was driving me and Rachel from their house to the restaurant where our mothers were waiting for us. In the course of the conversation, my former relationship with Jon came up. And it was in that moment that I discovered something that I had never known before: I had brutally hurt Jon. I was stunned. I had no idea. . . . .I wanted to beg his forgiveness right then and there, but he jumped out of the van as soon as we got there, and I didn't get the chance to talk to him alone. So I had to resort to the next best thing: a phone call.
I called him on his cell phone, and poured out my heart to him. I remember very little of that conversation, with the exception of three sentences.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I had no idea."
That following Sunday, our church's Youth Group went bowling after church. I went. And so did Jon. It was a combination of flirting and awkwardness. It was then that I looked into his eyes and realized: "This is the one. This is the guy that I could have spent the rest of my life with. And I blew it. Oh God, why. . . . . . . .??"
On Monday, April 6th, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. About three minutes after I was dumped, Jon texted me. And he HATES texting. Over the past several weeks, I've come to see why. . .sorta!
It's been a God-thing ever since. I mean, it always was a God-thing. But honestly, it took so much longer than it should have. It's been almost seven years since Jon first gave me that letter. And I wish that I would have never left him. But honestly, I had a lot of surrendering to do before this relationship would have ever worked. And now. . .I am amazed. God is so AWESOME!!!!
On April 13, 2008, Jon met with my dad and asked his permission to court me. My dad said yes!!!!!!
On April 26, 2008, Jon gave me a promise ring. I thought I was going to die. Do you know how unworthy I felt? I remember burying my face in my hands and just sobbing. It was the most amazing experience of my life.
Through this relationship, I have shed more tears than I ever thought possible. Tears of sorrow and regret, tears of joy and euphoira, as well as a combination of the two! The strange thing is: this is only the abridged version of the story. I know that I have left out many details and situations. I do intend to correct that over the next several months. But you know something? The main idea is the following: a) God is AWESOME, b) GOD IS AWESOME!, and c) GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every little thing that you do,
I'm so in love with you.
It just keeps getting better.
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever.
Every little thing that you do,
I'm amazed by you.
~Amazed by Lonestar
Before the Throne of God above,
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to dispair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
~Before the Throne of God Above
So before, I mentioned that in the past several years, I had been lowered further than I ever thought possible. And well, it was hard. Horrible, actually. And yet, I don't think I would be the person that I am today if I hadn't gone through all of that pain and heartache.
Everyone has things that they view as most important in their lives. It's different for each person. For me, it was BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had an insatiable hunger for love that I simply could not BEAR! I needed someone in my life to love me, to care for me, and to treat me like a princess. I have an amazing daddy -- however, in my narrow romantic perspective, I needed a Prince Charming to come and save the day. But , I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, as always! Like the song says: "Let's start at the very beginning. . ." (NOTE: The following is EXTREMELY ABRIDGED! Just a brief warning. . .)
Flashback: I was 11. I was insane! I was immature, to a point. I was impatient. And I was boy-crazy! I had countless crushes on various guys from the age of 9, and well. . .as you can imagine, it wasn't the best way for me to live my life at that age. Until, that is, I met Jon. I can still remember the day when that 15-passenger van pulled into our church parking lot. . .and eight kids walked out! Jon was the oldest at 13, blonde, and amazingly sweet.
On March 28, 2001, Jon gave me a literal love letter. Naturally, I. . .well. . .I FREAKED OUT! I was 11, and love letters only happened in fairy tales or really romatic movies.
That letter -- written in shaky, nervous-teenage-boy handwriting on a faded piece of sketch paper -- still echos in my mind. "My dearest Rachel. . ." From that moment on, I was enthralled. I was as much in love as a crazy 11 year old can ever be. We hung out at his farm, my farm, at church. . .etc. Days turned into weeks, to months, and before I knew it, several years had rolled by, and I was getting ready to be a Freshman in Highschool. Even before I walked through those doors of Hallstrom Homeschool Workshop, I had become less excited by the whole idea of "me and Jon." I was starting high school at an entirely new level. . .with amazing guys EVERYWHERE! I was totally unprepared for what happened next. . .
It happened like a nightmare, or one of those slow-motion scenes from a horror movie. I walked away from Jon. I met another guy (who I will keep nameless). He was a Sophomore, played guitar, and was exceptionally popular. He asked me out on December 7, 2004, and a week later, I broke up with Jon to go out with "the other guy." The look on Jon's face is forever burned into my mind. There are not enough words in the English, Spanish, or French languages combined to express my guilt and regret. I turned away, and walked straight into the arms of Death.
To make an extremely long story short, Mr. Popular left me in the lurch three months later. And well. . .I began a vicious cycle of going from boy to boy to boy that nearly destroyed me. I began to loose myself. I harbored thoughts of suicide, and I even began a brief decent into self-mutilation. I hated my body and physical appearance -- everything about myself became loathsome in my mind. There was no point to life. No one would ever love me. I just knew that I would spend the rest of my pathetic life as a lonely girl who did nothing but wander among guys until I died. I had become a "Christian" at the age of 4, and then 7, and finally at 12. But those were nothing more than the cries of a little girl who was scared of going to hell. At that time in my life, God seemed angry, distant, and cruel.
And then I went to Peru.
In 2006, I went on my first mission trip to Lima, Peru, South America. It was incredible! God worked in my heart and life like nothing I have ever experienced before! God revealed Himself to me as the One who loved me and cared for me. I shed my self-loathing, and became a new person. It was an experience that I will never forget. But even still, I had not surrendered the one thing that I desperately needed to lay down before God -- boys.
When school started my Sophomore year, I was ready to make a new start with new friends and a new reputation. And it was then that God sent my guardian angel into my life -- Michael. Michael was the older brother of one of my close friends, and we hit it off pretty quick. We were exceptionally close in age (four days apart, with me being older), and we share(d) a love for writing and the theatric. I had a brief crush on him which soon faded when it became clear to me that we could never view each other as anything more than friends. In the nightmarish days that followed, Michael never wavered as my support and best friend. However, I continued my path to destruction in the area of boys. I never listened to Michael's wise council to give up dating and puruse patience and courtship when the right guy came along. Oh, I wish I would have! To please Michael, I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. However, I didn't want to give up my dating lifestyle. And yet, Michael never gave up on me. He was always waiting at the bottom of the cliff to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart and put me back together. . .again! He prayed for me and loved me through all the nightmares that followed me for the next several years.
The summer of 2007 was the turning point for me, I think. Three major events in my life that changed me forever all occured from July to August '07. . .and, wow. . .
First of all, I went back to Peru for the second time. It was here that God stripped away my hard heart and began to reveal to me the amazing plans that He had for my life. And it was there, kneeling on the mountain with tears streaming down my face and a rare beam of sunlight pouring out of the clouds, that I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. He became my Lord in all areas of my life. . .oh, except for boys! (No, I just don't LEARN!!!!)
[Okay, so by now, you might be wondering how Jon plays into this whole long life-story thing. It's coming, trust me!!! Bear with me. . .you won't regret it!]
The week after I came home from Peru, I left to attend Masterpiece Fine Arts Camp in Kentucky. It was a week of tears, another [exceptionally brief] relationship, and God working through my pen to create some of the most amazing poetry that I have ever penned in my entire LIFE! It was also here that Jon re-entered my mind. I mean, I had seen him at church and various Youth Group events, but our friendship had been entirely severed. He ignored me, and made a point to avoid me at all possible oppertunities. While I was sitting on a small cement bench under a tree, Jon's face somehow made its way into my head. I wrote my feelings at the time into one of my brief poems, which I will post on here eventually.
After leaving Kentucky, I headed to Colorado for a two-week Youth Leadership seminar called Summit. And it was there that I made three of the biggest mistakes of my life: a) I gave yet another piece of my heart away to a very smooth-taking guy[name withheld], b) I gave away my first kiss, and c) I put myself in a compromising position with this guy. And he took advantage of it. To sum it up: he tried to rape me. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my entire life. Thank God that I was able to escape with my purity untainted. However, the event scarred me. And the Devil used it.
I began to fall into various traps that the Devil laid at my feet. I was tempted, and I sucumbed far too many times. While God had saved my physical purity, I allowed my mental purity to be stripped away from me, little by little. It was God that saved me. Only God. I shudder to think where I would be today if I hadn't gotten out.
At this time, I entered into a relationship with another guy. This one was a true test of my loyalty, and even though he was giving me no affection or love whatsoever, I stuck with him to prove to myself that I could stick it out. Even when the going got really really really really tough!!
This is where it starts getting amazing, people. My sister went to visit her family up in Minnesota in March of 2008. On Thursday, March 27, I invited Rachel (Jon's younger sister and one of my exceptionally close friends) to sleep over at my house. Jon was driving me and Rachel from their house to the restaurant where our mothers were waiting for us. In the course of the conversation, my former relationship with Jon came up. And it was in that moment that I discovered something that I had never known before: I had brutally hurt Jon. I was stunned. I had no idea. . . . .I wanted to beg his forgiveness right then and there, but he jumped out of the van as soon as we got there, and I didn't get the chance to talk to him alone. So I had to resort to the next best thing: a phone call.
I called him on his cell phone, and poured out my heart to him. I remember very little of that conversation, with the exception of three sentences.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I had no idea."
That following Sunday, our church's Youth Group went bowling after church. I went. And so did Jon. It was a combination of flirting and awkwardness. It was then that I looked into his eyes and realized: "This is the one. This is the guy that I could have spent the rest of my life with. And I blew it. Oh God, why. . . . . . . .??"
On Monday, April 6th, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. About three minutes after I was dumped, Jon texted me. And he HATES texting. Over the past several weeks, I've come to see why. . .sorta!
It's been a God-thing ever since. I mean, it always was a God-thing. But honestly, it took so much longer than it should have. It's been almost seven years since Jon first gave me that letter. And I wish that I would have never left him. But honestly, I had a lot of surrendering to do before this relationship would have ever worked. And now. . .I am amazed. God is so AWESOME!!!!
On April 13, 2008, Jon met with my dad and asked his permission to court me. My dad said yes!!!!!!
On April 26, 2008, Jon gave me a promise ring. I thought I was going to die. Do you know how unworthy I felt? I remember burying my face in my hands and just sobbing. It was the most amazing experience of my life.
Through this relationship, I have shed more tears than I ever thought possible. Tears of sorrow and regret, tears of joy and euphoira, as well as a combination of the two! The strange thing is: this is only the abridged version of the story. I know that I have left out many details and situations. I do intend to correct that over the next several months. But you know something? The main idea is the following: a) God is AWESOME, b) GOD IS AWESOME!, and c) GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every little thing that you do,
I'm so in love with you.
It just keeps getting better.
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever.
Every little thing that you do,
I'm amazed by you.
~Amazed by Lonestar
Before the Throne of God above,
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to dispair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
~Before the Throne of God Above
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