All My Life

I had a few minutes today to sit back and just contemplate everything that's been going on in my life over the past two months. I looked in my phone and read all my saved txt messages. I went back and read over my blog since the end of April. I looked at all the pictures on my laptop. I read old diary entries. And I cried.

When people talk about true love, what do they mean? So often, true love is viewed as something that only happens in made-up stories, songs, romantic movies, or cheesy TV sitcoms/soap operas. Today's definition of "love" is better interpreted "lust." And it's rarely seen as a forever commitment.

People say that miracles don't happen in this day and age. And I guess that me finally finding the right guy wouldn't seem like a miracle to some people. But to me, you have no idea! Finding a guy that loves me unconditionally -- regardless of what I've done in the past -- is something that I never EVER though would happen! There were so many days when I would think that I would have to settle for second, fifth, twentith best. Why? Because I let God's #1 best slip through my fingers because I was too enamored with a guitar-playing wannabe bad boy. Yes, I was young. So?!???!?!?!?!?!!? Stupidity honors no age limits!

It's been exactly two months since the day that Jon came to my house (almost thirty minutes early) to pick me up for our first date. I can still remember seeing Abby, Rachel S., Leah, and Jordan watching me out the building door! (Little snoops!) Wow! Looking back at the picture that my dad took on our first date (ABOVE), and then looking at the photo we took a couple weeks ago on a double-date with my parents (LEFT), there's a huge difference!

I am extremely blessed! God has given me more than I deserve in Jon. He has shown me so much through His mercy and grace. It's completely new for me, I will admit, and I am still struggling to get my mind around certain aspects of our relationship. But, wow! It has been so worth it! 100%!

All my life,

I've prayed for someone like you.

And I thank God that I've finally found you.

And all my life,

I've prayed for someone like you.

And I know that you feel the same way, too.

Yes, I know that you do love me too!

I promised to never fall in love with a stranger.

You're all I'm thinking of -- I praise the Lord above

For sending me your love.

I cherish every hug.

You know. . .

~All My Life, KC & JoJo

I Swear

(WARNING [again]: My romantic mood has returned with a vengeance. It is accompanied by a vague sense of melancholy and serenity. So. . .be on the DOUBLE alert!)

This is one of the strangest moods that I've been in over the past [almost] two months. Since I started going out with Jon, everything has changed. Sometimes, I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an empty field, surrounded by darkness, completely alone. None of my other friends is going through an experience like this. It's almost a fear of the unknown. It's been the most confusing, beautiful, wonderful, painful, emotional experience of my life. And yet, he has never left me. I've sent him on an bigger and crazier emotional rollercoaster than [I don't think] either of us ever expected. But the best part is that he is holding my hand, and God is carrying both of us. That is one of the most incredible pictures that I have ever encountered. The thought of being cradled in the arms of my Heavenly Father, as well as being loved by the man that God has especially picked out for me. . .wow!

To be honest, I've been dwelling in a weird and unnecessary fear of rejection and abandonment. You've heard the expression, "If you constantly hit a dog, eventually, it won't be able to receive affection." I guess I'm just like that little puppy. I've been slapped around for so long that I'm still living in fear that, one day, he's just gonna walk away. And I'm scared. Or at least, I was.

Yesterday afternoon, Jon and I were talking on the couch, and I made the comment that I had never actually cried on his shoulder before. I had cried numerous times while we've been on the phone together, but I've never actually fell apart when we were face-to-face. It wasn't something that I was dwelling on; it just happened to be something that I thought of at that particular moment. Sure enough, that night, I had an emotional break-down. I was under a great deal of stress due to a variety of circumstances, and I just collapsed. It was then that Jon put his arm around me, and just let me cry into his shoulder. Right in that moment of sheer emotional agony, God spoke directly to my heart. It was as if He said, "Look. I have given you this man for you to lean on. Let yourself trust him, daughter." I broke down sobbing into Jon's shoulder. . .and he just held me and let me cry my heart out. I let go. Fully. And I feel like a part of me has been restored to life again.

I see the questions in your eyes.
I know what's weighing on your mind.
You can be sure I know my part.
Cuz I'll stand beside you through the years.
You'll only cry those happy tears.
And though I've made mistakes,
I'll never break your heart.

And I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky.
I'll be there.
I swear, like the shadow that's by your side.
I'll be there.
For better or worse, 'till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart.
And I swear.

I'll give you everything I can.
I'll build your dreams with these two hands.
We'll hang some memories on the walls.
And when just the two of us are there,
You won't have to ask if I still care.
Cuz as the times may change,
My love won't fade at all.
~I Swear, Boyz II Men (R&B Version) / John Michael Mountgomery (Country Version)

Who Is Like Our God?

"Sometimes, I wish I was made of concrete. A stone statue. Feeling nothing. Being nothing. Impervious to pain, to sorrow, to the agonizing guilt that threatens to consume my aching heart. I wouldn't break, I would simply be. But maybe even that might be too much."



That was me almost two years ago. And then, again, nine months ago. Pouring out my feelings via pen and razorblade, journaling and allowing all the pain to just pour out of my fingertips. Ink expressed what I could not say in my fragile voice. My insecurities kept me from becoming who I was meant to be, from experiencing anything except blackness. Everything about me was dark. My hair, my clothes, my make-up. Even my eyes were black with sorrow and rebellion. The music I listened to was a mix of sad "love" songs, death, and despair. Not anymore.

I still have pain in my life. Life hasn't suddenly and magicly transformed into a place that's all "rainbows and butterflies." But things are better. I have Someone and someone to turn to now when I just need a way out. Let me explain:

Someone. That would be my incredible Savior, Jesus Christ. Sometimes, I look at my life, and the lives of those around me, and I compare the two. I look at how they handle hard and painful issues, and I see nothing but emptiness and hopelessness. How can they hope to get through life without God? There are days when I have no one around me -- I'm alone. All I can do is fall on my knees. And it is then when I find myself walking into the court of the greatest King ever to rule in the history of the world. I'm His daughter, and my Father always hears my broken-hearted cries, even when no one else can. I go out into the middle of the widest field and just scream my heart out. And He hears me! Lowly, sinful, little me! He picks me up and carries me when I can't walk anymore. He listens to my problems, and guides me through things that seem hopeless! Where would I be without Him? When I get married, I want to have a son named Mishael. I never knew what his name meant until I did this Daniel Bible Study. 'Who is like our God?" Wow!

The other someone. That would be Jon, of course. There are days when I marvel at our relationship, and the majesty of the hand of God within our love story. The other day, I was thinking about where I would be without Jon in my life. Honestly, I don't even want to know! I have dated so many loosers in my life -- sadly -- but to be honest, there is no one else that I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with other than him! It's an incredible thing to realize. Just recently, I had someone tell me that what Jon and I are doing isn't right. According to this person, 17 and 20 is just too young to know our own hearts, and we won't last more than a year! Um, excuse me? God has brought Jon and I together for "such a time as this." HE HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER!!! GOD! THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! We are both following His call on our lives. Right now, His plan is for Jon and I to be together. Hopefully until the end of time. There is so much that my heart aches to say, and yet, I can't seem to find the words. You know it's something big when a writer can't even find the right words! =]

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know, at His right hand,
Stands One who is my Savior.
I take Him at His word and deed.
Christ died to save me, this I read.
And within me,
I find a need
For Him to be my Savior.
My Savior loves,
My Savior lives,
My Savior's always there for me.
My God He was,
My God He is --
My God He's ALWAYS GONNA BE!!!!!!!!
~My Savior, My God - Aaron Schust

Kiss Me

(Warning: I am currently in an extremely literary/romatic mood. Please continue at your own peril. You have been warned!)

There are so many times when I look back over my life, and I am drawn to tears. Tears of regret. Tears of shame. Tears of sorrow. How could I have thought so little of something so beautiful and intimate as a kiss? I am forgiven, I know, both by Jon and by God. But, oh, what a costly sacrifice for such brief, immediate, passing, personal affection!

Kisses are treated with a great deal of casual scorn these days. In all the great movies, what does everyone (or at least, the girls) look foward to at the end? The kiss. You can kiss anyone for any reason. Saving a first kiss for something important like. . .oh, I dunno. . .*cough* MARRIAGE *cough* . . . well, that's almost unheard of! Very little is said today about the importance of saving first kisses for the one person that you are going to marry. . .and wating until the VERY MOMENT that you are offically man and wife to seal the commitment forever with a kiss.

Back in the 1800s, a kiss was viewed as something scandelous. A kiss given to someone to whom you were not engaged was considered almost as impure as premarital sex! Now, kissing is a common practice!

Okay, now I sound like a serious prude. I'm not saying that if you kiss someone, you're going to hell or anything crazy like that. In my opinion, that should be left up to your own personal beliefs. Answer to your own conscience. However, I do believe that kissing is treated with an attitude that is far too casual. How many movie kisses have you seen that have stuck in your mind? I have seen only a few -- a rare, beautiful few!

The kiss between Noah and Allie in The Notebook. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice. Arwen and Aragon in The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Neo and Trinity in The Matrix. Landon and Jamie in A Walk to Remember. Tyler and Nora in Step Up. Romeo and Juliet in Romeo + Juliet.

Now you may be asking, why these particular kisses? Because each one of these rare kisses signifies something precious. Allie and Noah: forever love, regardless of circumstances or hardship. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth: purity. Arwen and Aragon: devotion and sacrifice. Neo and Trinity: salvation. Landon and Jamie: 'til death do us part. Tyler and Nora: devotion and sacrifice. Romeo and Juliet: all of the above.

Oh, how I wish that I had not thrown away my first kiss. Or my second. Or my tenth. But with Jon, I have a new start. I've never kissed him. And until Pastor says, "You may now (finally!!!!) kiss the bride," I don't intend to! And something else: Jon has never kissed anyone. ANYONE! Do you know what its like to realize that you are someone's one and only? For real??? It makes me cry. . .as I am doing right now, actually! It's a stunning realization. It's beautiful. It's romantic. It's true. It's holy. It's pure. It's GONNA BE AMAZING! It's gonna be worth the wait. 100%.

Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band,
And make the fireflies dance
With the silver moon sparkling.
So
Kiss me.
~Kiss Me, Sixpence None the Richer

Everything

Pain hurts.

Okay, so while you might see that as a "no, duh!" statement, it really is a lot deeper than that. Life tends to dish out certain things that you really wish that it would keep to itself. Yes, we are commanded to "count it all joy." But you know? It's hard. Really hard.

Honestly, I want stuff to be different. I want to not have stormed at my dad yesterday. I want to have not been in a crappy mood so that I missed my footing and fell on the stairs. I want to have not hit my foot so hard that it turned purple in a matter of minutes. I want to get those moments back.

Yes, I am a lit geek. I will admit it. However, this funky quirk of mine can be exceptionally helpful in instances such as these. The words of C.S. Lewis seem to fall in good right about now. In Prince Caspian, the four children have fallen into more trouble than they ever imagined. Soldiers keeping them at bay, failed battles, and danger surrounding their every turn. In one particular moment of hopelessness, Aslan (the great Lion and King from across the sea) is talking to the most faithful of the four, fourteen-year-old Lucy. Lucy, in all her innocence, asks Aslan what would have happened if she and her fellow kings and queens would have chosen a different battle plan. In all of His wisdom, Aslan replies: "No one is ever told what would have happened. But what will happen? That is a completely different matter!"

Every aspect of my life has a plan! Sometimes, I question why I was adopted. It seems hard to understand sometimes. However, if I hadn't been adopted, I wouldn't be living here! I wouldn't have gone on any of my missions trips. I wouldn't be going to the best private school in the world! I wouldn't be spending hours fine-tuning my writing skills under the best instructors that I have ever been honored to study under! I probably wouldn't be a Christian. And I wouldn't know the most incredible man in the entire universe -- I wouldn't have met my soulmate! (Or his spectacular family either!) Jon has taught me so much about faith, about love, about honoring God. We have both made mistakes. But all I can say is that it takes a fall to make you realize how much you enjoy standing on the solid ground. <3

God has blessed me more than I ever imagined possible. It just takes me a while to realize it, sometimes! Lord, help my unbelief!

How can I stand here with You,

And not be moved by You?

Can You tell me --

How could it be

Any better than this, Lord?

You're all I want.

You're all I need.

You're EVERYTHING,

EVERYTHING!

~Everything, Lifehouse

Soulmate

For some reason, I have felt exceptionally inspired. And now, after reading Jon's newest blog, I can't keep myself from writing any longer!

A lot is going on right now. I leave for Lima, Peru, South America in 22 days. This is something that I have been looking forward to since I stepped off that plane last year. Peru is the most beautiful, most empty, most heartwrenching country in the entire world. My heart has been drawn to those people since 2006 when I first went there on a missions trip. Now, for the third year in a row, I'm going back.

And now, there's this new thing with Jon and New Orleans. It will be a big change, I know. But you know something? It's gonna be okay. I want to remain in the center of the will of God, and I want Jon to do the same. If God is calling him to New Orleans, then I am perfectly content with him going. I will wait for him as long as it takes. Six months, a year, ten years -- it really doesn't matter.

God told Abraham to get up and go. He did. He took a step of faith that seemed almost INSANE to those around him. And he became the father of the chosen people of the Lord. Wow! Daniel was dragged away from his homeland to serve a pagan king in a foreign land. It must have been one of the hardest things that he had ever experienced in his young life. And yet, God used his captivity to work in the hearts of five different Babylonian kings!

Change can be hard. But if we are following God's call on our lives, it is the best thing we could EVER do! And right now, I hear God calling me to make a lot of changes. It's not been easy! Trust me! But God is on my side, and as long as I am in the center of His will, then I am safe!

Soulmate.
Until the end of time, you are my
Soulmate.
When I get down, you're the one who lifts me up.
In this day and time,
The right one's hard to find.
That's why I'm holding on to you!
In the good and bad and even through the heartache
We've got a special bond that will never break.
'Cause, darling, you and I are
Soulmates.
~Soulmate (bits and pieces), Josh Turner

Here's My Life (FAITH)

Okay. Yes, I did just post yesterday. But man, a lot can happen in the space of a few hours. A lot. And, simply for lack of a better idea, and the ability to clearly state my thoughts at the moment, the acronym will come to my rescue. . .

I will admit that I am facing a certain amount of FEAR right now. I know that fear is not from God, and that the Devil is using my own weakness against me. But with something like this nailing me unexpectedly, the fear of the future and the unknown is once again rearing its ugly head. I'm scared of what I don't know. I'm scared of not having him around when I need him. I'm scared. Period. Oh, God -- help me where I am weak!!

The best part of this is knowing that God is the AUTHORITY over all of these life-changing aspirations. I pray that He will continue to guide both of us (moreso Jon than me right now) and will keep us walking in His direction. I won't deny that I feel the Hand of God in this newest revelation. I really do. This is something that he really should do -- it's perfect for him! God is in control -- I just have to keep telling myself that, and rely on Him for my strength and clarity.

I. That's the crux of it. I feel extremely selfish. If I had my own way, nothing would change. It would all go as planned. . .and then we would both miss the blessing of God on our lives. This is where total surrender comes in to play. All I have left is to fall at the foot of the cross and give it all over to God. My pain, my weakness, my fear, my worries, my confusion. Everything.

Then again, there is a certain measure of THANKFULNESS that comes riding up right about now, too. I'm so greatful to God that we can go through this together instead of by ourselves. With God, we would never be alone. But still, it's really nice to have a human companion to figure out life's rough spots with, you know? It's gonna be hard -- no doubt about it! But God has a plan and a purpose to everything.

And that's why I'm just gonna keep HOLDING ON. It will be hard, there might even be some pain thrown in there. But you know what? He died on the cross to save me from the ultimate suffering. For the betterment of His kingdom, can't I give up a few things? Surrendering the things (and people) that I hold dearest to my heart is not easy. And I know that it won't be easy for him, either. But you know what? It's gonna be worth it in the end.

FAITH. It's gonna take a lot of FAITH. Prayer. Suplication. Tears. Pain. Seperation. But my God is big enough. Big enough to get me through this. Big enough to provide in extremely miraculous ways. Big enough to keep our relationship strong. . .and to have it grow stronger, even through distance. Big enough. 100%.

On the ring finger of my right hand, there's a promise. A really really big one! And you know what? I trust him. I trust that promise. I will wait. I will keep waiting. No one else. I'm a one-man woman. It's a promise that I intend to keep until the bitter end. . .and then some!

God, I'm crying out tonight
Cause I'm giving You my life.
God, I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind.
So once more --
Here's my life.
~Here's My Life, BarlowGirl

My Savior, My God

I have so much to say right now, and very little time/space in which to convey it all! So much of my thoughts seem cliche and overstated to the point of redundency. . .oh, well. Here goes.

Over the past several months, God has taken my life in a COMPLETELY different direction that what I had originally imagined. (Yep. That was my first mistake -- attempting to tell God what to do!!) I had envisioned myself going to a major university, majoring in physcology/history, becoming a cop/CSI, meeting a guy, falling in love, getting married, and maybe having one or two kids while still trying to maintain a career. Now, everything is flying the opposite way! Don't get me wrong -- it's a good thing! But either way, it's been a switch.

To be honest, it's been much harder than I expected. I didn't expect to break down crying whenever I saw a squard car. I didn't expect giving up my dreams of a big-time school. I didn't think that I would ever be happy as a stay-at-home mother (for the most part). It's like I've been living in this beautiful penthouse suite alongside the ocean. The enterior is lavish. The furnishings are top-line stuff. Very expensive, very chic, very extravagant. And I have become accustomed to this life of luxery. And then, there's a storm. Not a horrible storm, but just enough to blow open the windows of my penthouse. And I catch a glimpse of what lies outside. The sun is beautiful, although slightly hidden by clouds. The surf is pounding against the shoreline -- fierce and terrifying, and yet, breathtaking. I have been trapped inside for such a long time that I have been missing all of the beauty that is waiting for me -- just outside the window.

I'm seeing God move me in so many incredible ways. I'm branching out in my writing, exploring all the avenues of literary advancement. Working as a writer out of my home doesn't seem so bad. God has brought a wonderful young man into my life -- one that has been such a blessing to me that there aren't enough words to express my feelings!

I know that I have been a bit of an emotional wreck over the past several weeks. And I know that Jon has bourne the brunt of my mood swings. I have had many doubts, fears, and uncertainties about my own adequacy and my ability to be the best woman for him. I have struggled with my past, and the way that other boys have treated me throughout the years. Jon is NOT anything like those old boyfriends. I am secure in his affection for me. I know that he will forgive me and be there for me -- through any storm or trial that might hit us throughout the years. He truly cares for me. This is something entirely new for me. I have been scared to let down my guard, scared to trust, scared to let myself fall again. But this time I know that Jon is not going to stand back and let me fall to my death. He will do his best to catch me. He is seeking God in our relationship. He is leading us toward God and His purpose instead of away from His glory. I can feel myself growing deeper and deeper into the heart of God through my relationship with Jon. And it is a glorious thing indeed!

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know, at His right Hand,
Stands One who is my Savior.
I take Him at His word and deed.
Christ died to save me, this I read.
And in my heart, I find the need
Of Him to be my Savior.
That He would leave His place on High
And come for sinful men to die.
You count it strange?
So once did I
Before I knew my Savior!
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me!
My God He was, my God He is --
My God He's ALWAYS GONNA BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~My Savior, My God -- Aaron Shust