New Blog.....

Well, I have moved to a new blog since I thought I had locked myself out of this one....heh....ooops!

It is now solodeogloria09.blogspot.com

Please follow me there and learn of my adventures.....

Rachel

Beautiful Mess

Well, after seven years of waiting, praying, and tears, it has finally happened. I am engaged to the love of my life, and the man that God has specifically chosen for me. On November 16, 2008, in the middle of his dining room, Jon asked me to become his wife. And I said yes.

This is what happened. . .we had just gotten home from a marriage conference with Les and Leslie Parrott in South Bend, IN. Friday was Jon's mom's birthday, and so we stopped at DQ to pick up an ice cream cake (for the party, I presumed). We all gathered around the table and started to sing to his mom. . .until Jon stopped us!

He started talking to his mom, saying that he loved her and that she had raised him right for the past twenty years of his life. I remember thinking, "Wow! That's really sweet of Jon to say that to his mom, especially since we missed her birthday on Friday." Then, he turns me around to face him. He looked at me at said, "Rachel, I love you," and got down on one knee -- in front of his entire family and my entire family!!!!!!!! I started bawling hysterically. I knew what he was gonna do! Then, he said it: "Will you marry me?"

Between sobs, I managed to say "yes." Then, he kissed me -- the whole family cheered and applauded. Abby was BAWLING as hard as I was! He put a GORGEOUS diamond on my finger -- it's so beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The fact that I am really engaged has not hit me yet. I keep thinking that I'm just going to wake up from this dream. Every time that Jon tells that he loves me, my heart skips a beat. I know that, right now, I sound like a love-struck teenager. And right now, that's exactly what I feel like. I feel almost like I'm too young to be wearing this ring, and yet, I know that I'm not. God has been preparing me for this all of my life. Through all the pain, heartache, and mistakes that I have made in the past eighteen years of my life, I have been maturing within my heart. I've been growing in maturity and the strength of the Lord. And now, I am going to become a wife in less than eleven months. Wow!

Jon: I love you with all my heart. You are the man of my dreams, and I am so glad that God brought you into my life.

What a beautiful mess
What a beautiful mess I'm in
Spending all my time with you,
There's nothing I would rather do.

What a sweet addiction
That I'm caught up in.
Cause I can't get enough
Can't stop the hunger for your life.

What a beautiful mess
What a beautiful mess

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

I Stand In Awe

Sometimes, life is full of open and honest clarity. Other times, it's not. To be perfectly honest, my life has been extremely full of ups and downs. Going to Peru was, hands down, the best experience of my life. The ministry days were incredible -- getting to wield a sledgehammer and render a pile of rocks into powder was so rewarding -- and even the long, hot drama days carried a sense of fulfillment. But to be honest, the part that struck my heart the most was getting to perform the Lifehouse Everything Skit for the 500+ teens and adults, along with five other teenagers. Why? Because it was me that I was playing. Let me explain.

I was the girl. That was me in that torn and tattered black shirt, pursuing the things of this world to fill that empty space within my heart. That was me, relying on a boy's "love" to keep me satisfied. And that was me, coming to the end of my rope, standing in my tattered rags of sin, blood dripping down my arm with a gun to my head. And then, I broke. I had no where else to run but into the waiting arms of my SAVIOR. It wasn't easy. I tried to fight. But I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough. I fell to my knees. And then, He fought FOR me! Wow! Profound doesn't even begin to describe the feelings that flooded through me as I stood on that stage, tears streaming down my cheeks as I danced with Glenn (portraying Jesus). It was AWESOME!

Coming home was not easy. Having to leave all of those people -- my family -- behind was the hardest thing I have ever done. And I came home to a war. It was hard. People fell. I was wounded by what they did and said to me. I broke. And God caught me. Again. He always does!

This is now. This is my reality. Facing a great deal of stress and confusion with my life plan with little or nothing to go on. In two years, I could very well be married to the man of my dreams. I'm starting my Senior year of high school in five short days. I'm thinking ahead to college and other plans. Wow! My life sure has changed since I was a Freshman. It seems so strange to think that when I began my high school career, I made the two biggest mistakes of my life: breaking up with Jon and going out with he-who-shall-not-be-named. And now, as I end my high school years, I am back where I need to be -- in the center of God's will. Wow!

You are beautiful beyond description,

Too marvelous for words.

Too wonderful for comprehension,

Like nothing ever seen or heard.

Who can grasp such infinate wisdom?

Who can fathom the depth of Your love?

You are beautiful beyond description --

Majesty enthroned above.

And I stand, I stand in awe of You!

I stand, I stand in awe of You!

Holy God, to Whom all praise is due,

I stand in awe of You!

~ I Stand In Awe, Jamie Jamgochian

All My Life

I had a few minutes today to sit back and just contemplate everything that's been going on in my life over the past two months. I looked in my phone and read all my saved txt messages. I went back and read over my blog since the end of April. I looked at all the pictures on my laptop. I read old diary entries. And I cried.

When people talk about true love, what do they mean? So often, true love is viewed as something that only happens in made-up stories, songs, romantic movies, or cheesy TV sitcoms/soap operas. Today's definition of "love" is better interpreted "lust." And it's rarely seen as a forever commitment.

People say that miracles don't happen in this day and age. And I guess that me finally finding the right guy wouldn't seem like a miracle to some people. But to me, you have no idea! Finding a guy that loves me unconditionally -- regardless of what I've done in the past -- is something that I never EVER though would happen! There were so many days when I would think that I would have to settle for second, fifth, twentith best. Why? Because I let God's #1 best slip through my fingers because I was too enamored with a guitar-playing wannabe bad boy. Yes, I was young. So?!???!?!?!?!?!!? Stupidity honors no age limits!

It's been exactly two months since the day that Jon came to my house (almost thirty minutes early) to pick me up for our first date. I can still remember seeing Abby, Rachel S., Leah, and Jordan watching me out the building door! (Little snoops!) Wow! Looking back at the picture that my dad took on our first date (ABOVE), and then looking at the photo we took a couple weeks ago on a double-date with my parents (LEFT), there's a huge difference!

I am extremely blessed! God has given me more than I deserve in Jon. He has shown me so much through His mercy and grace. It's completely new for me, I will admit, and I am still struggling to get my mind around certain aspects of our relationship. But, wow! It has been so worth it! 100%!

All my life,

I've prayed for someone like you.

And I thank God that I've finally found you.

And all my life,

I've prayed for someone like you.

And I know that you feel the same way, too.

Yes, I know that you do love me too!

I promised to never fall in love with a stranger.

You're all I'm thinking of -- I praise the Lord above

For sending me your love.

I cherish every hug.

You know. . .

~All My Life, KC & JoJo

I Swear

(WARNING [again]: My romantic mood has returned with a vengeance. It is accompanied by a vague sense of melancholy and serenity. So. . .be on the DOUBLE alert!)

This is one of the strangest moods that I've been in over the past [almost] two months. Since I started going out with Jon, everything has changed. Sometimes, I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an empty field, surrounded by darkness, completely alone. None of my other friends is going through an experience like this. It's almost a fear of the unknown. It's been the most confusing, beautiful, wonderful, painful, emotional experience of my life. And yet, he has never left me. I've sent him on an bigger and crazier emotional rollercoaster than [I don't think] either of us ever expected. But the best part is that he is holding my hand, and God is carrying both of us. That is one of the most incredible pictures that I have ever encountered. The thought of being cradled in the arms of my Heavenly Father, as well as being loved by the man that God has especially picked out for me. . .wow!

To be honest, I've been dwelling in a weird and unnecessary fear of rejection and abandonment. You've heard the expression, "If you constantly hit a dog, eventually, it won't be able to receive affection." I guess I'm just like that little puppy. I've been slapped around for so long that I'm still living in fear that, one day, he's just gonna walk away. And I'm scared. Or at least, I was.

Yesterday afternoon, Jon and I were talking on the couch, and I made the comment that I had never actually cried on his shoulder before. I had cried numerous times while we've been on the phone together, but I've never actually fell apart when we were face-to-face. It wasn't something that I was dwelling on; it just happened to be something that I thought of at that particular moment. Sure enough, that night, I had an emotional break-down. I was under a great deal of stress due to a variety of circumstances, and I just collapsed. It was then that Jon put his arm around me, and just let me cry into his shoulder. Right in that moment of sheer emotional agony, God spoke directly to my heart. It was as if He said, "Look. I have given you this man for you to lean on. Let yourself trust him, daughter." I broke down sobbing into Jon's shoulder. . .and he just held me and let me cry my heart out. I let go. Fully. And I feel like a part of me has been restored to life again.

I see the questions in your eyes.
I know what's weighing on your mind.
You can be sure I know my part.
Cuz I'll stand beside you through the years.
You'll only cry those happy tears.
And though I've made mistakes,
I'll never break your heart.

And I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky.
I'll be there.
I swear, like the shadow that's by your side.
I'll be there.
For better or worse, 'till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart.
And I swear.

I'll give you everything I can.
I'll build your dreams with these two hands.
We'll hang some memories on the walls.
And when just the two of us are there,
You won't have to ask if I still care.
Cuz as the times may change,
My love won't fade at all.
~I Swear, Boyz II Men (R&B Version) / John Michael Mountgomery (Country Version)

Who Is Like Our God?

"Sometimes, I wish I was made of concrete. A stone statue. Feeling nothing. Being nothing. Impervious to pain, to sorrow, to the agonizing guilt that threatens to consume my aching heart. I wouldn't break, I would simply be. But maybe even that might be too much."



That was me almost two years ago. And then, again, nine months ago. Pouring out my feelings via pen and razorblade, journaling and allowing all the pain to just pour out of my fingertips. Ink expressed what I could not say in my fragile voice. My insecurities kept me from becoming who I was meant to be, from experiencing anything except blackness. Everything about me was dark. My hair, my clothes, my make-up. Even my eyes were black with sorrow and rebellion. The music I listened to was a mix of sad "love" songs, death, and despair. Not anymore.

I still have pain in my life. Life hasn't suddenly and magicly transformed into a place that's all "rainbows and butterflies." But things are better. I have Someone and someone to turn to now when I just need a way out. Let me explain:

Someone. That would be my incredible Savior, Jesus Christ. Sometimes, I look at my life, and the lives of those around me, and I compare the two. I look at how they handle hard and painful issues, and I see nothing but emptiness and hopelessness. How can they hope to get through life without God? There are days when I have no one around me -- I'm alone. All I can do is fall on my knees. And it is then when I find myself walking into the court of the greatest King ever to rule in the history of the world. I'm His daughter, and my Father always hears my broken-hearted cries, even when no one else can. I go out into the middle of the widest field and just scream my heart out. And He hears me! Lowly, sinful, little me! He picks me up and carries me when I can't walk anymore. He listens to my problems, and guides me through things that seem hopeless! Where would I be without Him? When I get married, I want to have a son named Mishael. I never knew what his name meant until I did this Daniel Bible Study. 'Who is like our God?" Wow!

The other someone. That would be Jon, of course. There are days when I marvel at our relationship, and the majesty of the hand of God within our love story. The other day, I was thinking about where I would be without Jon in my life. Honestly, I don't even want to know! I have dated so many loosers in my life -- sadly -- but to be honest, there is no one else that I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with other than him! It's an incredible thing to realize. Just recently, I had someone tell me that what Jon and I are doing isn't right. According to this person, 17 and 20 is just too young to know our own hearts, and we won't last more than a year! Um, excuse me? God has brought Jon and I together for "such a time as this." HE HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER!!! GOD! THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! We are both following His call on our lives. Right now, His plan is for Jon and I to be together. Hopefully until the end of time. There is so much that my heart aches to say, and yet, I can't seem to find the words. You know it's something big when a writer can't even find the right words! =]

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know, at His right hand,
Stands One who is my Savior.
I take Him at His word and deed.
Christ died to save me, this I read.
And within me,
I find a need
For Him to be my Savior.
My Savior loves,
My Savior lives,
My Savior's always there for me.
My God He was,
My God He is --
My God He's ALWAYS GONNA BE!!!!!!!!
~My Savior, My God - Aaron Schust

Kiss Me

(Warning: I am currently in an extremely literary/romatic mood. Please continue at your own peril. You have been warned!)

There are so many times when I look back over my life, and I am drawn to tears. Tears of regret. Tears of shame. Tears of sorrow. How could I have thought so little of something so beautiful and intimate as a kiss? I am forgiven, I know, both by Jon and by God. But, oh, what a costly sacrifice for such brief, immediate, passing, personal affection!

Kisses are treated with a great deal of casual scorn these days. In all the great movies, what does everyone (or at least, the girls) look foward to at the end? The kiss. You can kiss anyone for any reason. Saving a first kiss for something important like. . .oh, I dunno. . .*cough* MARRIAGE *cough* . . . well, that's almost unheard of! Very little is said today about the importance of saving first kisses for the one person that you are going to marry. . .and wating until the VERY MOMENT that you are offically man and wife to seal the commitment forever with a kiss.

Back in the 1800s, a kiss was viewed as something scandelous. A kiss given to someone to whom you were not engaged was considered almost as impure as premarital sex! Now, kissing is a common practice!

Okay, now I sound like a serious prude. I'm not saying that if you kiss someone, you're going to hell or anything crazy like that. In my opinion, that should be left up to your own personal beliefs. Answer to your own conscience. However, I do believe that kissing is treated with an attitude that is far too casual. How many movie kisses have you seen that have stuck in your mind? I have seen only a few -- a rare, beautiful few!

The kiss between Noah and Allie in The Notebook. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice. Arwen and Aragon in The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Neo and Trinity in The Matrix. Landon and Jamie in A Walk to Remember. Tyler and Nora in Step Up. Romeo and Juliet in Romeo + Juliet.

Now you may be asking, why these particular kisses? Because each one of these rare kisses signifies something precious. Allie and Noah: forever love, regardless of circumstances or hardship. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth: purity. Arwen and Aragon: devotion and sacrifice. Neo and Trinity: salvation. Landon and Jamie: 'til death do us part. Tyler and Nora: devotion and sacrifice. Romeo and Juliet: all of the above.

Oh, how I wish that I had not thrown away my first kiss. Or my second. Or my tenth. But with Jon, I have a new start. I've never kissed him. And until Pastor says, "You may now (finally!!!!) kiss the bride," I don't intend to! And something else: Jon has never kissed anyone. ANYONE! Do you know what its like to realize that you are someone's one and only? For real??? It makes me cry. . .as I am doing right now, actually! It's a stunning realization. It's beautiful. It's romantic. It's true. It's holy. It's pure. It's GONNA BE AMAZING! It's gonna be worth the wait. 100%.

Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band,
And make the fireflies dance
With the silver moon sparkling.
So
Kiss me.
~Kiss Me, Sixpence None the Richer