Well, after seven years of waiting, praying, and tears, it has finally happened. I am engaged to the love of my life, and the man that God has specifically chosen for me. On November 16, 2008, in the middle of his dining room, Jon asked me to become his wife. And I said yes.
This is what happened. . .we had just gotten home from a marriage conference with Les and Leslie Parrott in South Bend, IN. Friday was Jon's mom's birthday, and so we stopped at DQ to pick up an ice cream cake (for the party, I presumed). We all gathered around the table and started to sing to his mom. . .until Jon stopped us!
He started talking to his mom, saying that he loved her and that she had raised him right for the past twenty years of his life. I remember thinking, "Wow! That's really sweet of Jon to say that to his mom, especially since we missed her birthday on Friday." Then, he turns me around to face him. He looked at me at said, "Rachel, I love you," and got down on one knee -- in front of his entire family and my entire family!!!!!!!! I started bawling hysterically. I knew what he was gonna do! Then, he said it: "Will you marry me?"
Between sobs, I managed to say "yes." Then, he kissed me -- the whole family cheered and applauded. Abby was BAWLING as hard as I was! He put a GORGEOUS diamond on my finger -- it's so beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fact that I am really engaged has not hit me yet. I keep thinking that I'm just going to wake up from this dream. Every time that Jon tells that he loves me, my heart skips a beat. I know that, right now, I sound like a love-struck teenager. And right now, that's exactly what I feel like. I feel almost like I'm too young to be wearing this ring, and yet, I know that I'm not. God has been preparing me for this all of my life. Through all the pain, heartache, and mistakes that I have made in the past eighteen years of my life, I have been maturing within my heart. I've been growing in maturity and the strength of the Lord. And now, I am going to become a wife in less than eleven months. Wow!
Jon: I love you with all my heart. You are the man of my dreams, and I am so glad that God brought you into my life.
What a beautiful mess
What a beautiful mess I'm in
Spending all my time with you,
There's nothing I would rather do.
What a sweet addiction
That I'm caught up in.
Cause I can't get enough
Can't stop the hunger for your life.
What a beautiful mess
What a beautiful mess
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I Stand In Awe
Sometimes, life is full of open and honest clarity. Other times, it's not. To be perfectly honest, my life has been extremely full of ups and downs. Going to Peru was, hands down, the best experience of my life. The ministry days were incredible -- getting to wield a sledgehammer and render a pile of rocks into powder was so rewarding -- and even the long, hot drama days carried a sense of fulfillment. But to be honest, the part that struck my heart the most was getting to perform the Lifehouse Everything Skit for the 500+ teens and adults, along with five other teenagers. Why? Because it was me that I was playing. Let me explain.
I was the girl. That was me in that torn and tattered black shirt, pursuing the things of this world to fill that empty space within my heart. That was me, relying on a boy's "love" to keep me satisfied. And that was me, coming to the end of my rope, standing in my tattered rags of sin, blood dripping down my arm with a gun to my head. And then, I broke. I had no where else to run but into the waiting arms of my SAVIOR. It wasn't easy. I tried to fight. But I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough. I fell to my knees. And then, He fought FOR me! Wow! Profound doesn't even begin to describe the feelings that flooded through me as I stood on that stage, tears streaming down my cheeks as I danced with Glenn (portraying Jesus). It was AWESOME!
Coming home was not easy. Having to leave all of those people -- my family -- behind was the hardest thing I have ever done. And I came home to a war. It was hard. People fell. I was wounded by what they did and said to me. I broke. And God caught me. Again. He always does!
This is now. This is my reality. Facing a great deal of stress and confusion with my life plan with little or nothing to go on. In two years, I could very well be married to the man of my dreams. I'm starting my Senior year of high school in five short days. I'm thinking ahead to college and other plans. Wow! My life sure has changed since I was a Freshman. It seems so strange to think that when I began my high school career, I made the two biggest mistakes of my life: breaking up with Jon and going out with he-who-shall-not-be-named. And now, as I end my high school years, I am back where I need to be -- in the center of God's will. Wow!
You are beautiful beyond description,
Too marvelous for words.
Too wonderful for comprehension,
Like nothing ever seen or heard.
Who can grasp such infinate wisdom?
Who can fathom the depth of Your love?
You are beautiful beyond description --
Majesty enthroned above.
And I stand, I stand in awe of You!
I stand, I stand in awe of You!
Holy God, to Whom all praise is due,
I stand in awe of You!
~ I Stand In Awe, Jamie Jamgochian
Thursday, June 26, 2008
All My Life
I had a few minutes today to sit back and just contemplate everything that's been going on in my life over the past two months. I looked in my phone and read all my saved txt messages. I went back and read over my blog since the end of April. I looked at all the pictures on my laptop. I read old diary entries. And I cried.
When people talk about true love, what do they mean? So often, true love is viewed as something that only happens in made-up stories, songs, romantic movies, or cheesy TV sitcoms/soap operas. Today's definition of "love" is better interpreted "lust." And it's rarely seen as a forever commitment.
People say that miracles don't happen in this day and age. And I guess that me finally finding the right guy wouldn't seem like a miracle to some people. But to me, you have no idea! Finding a guy that loves me unconditionally -- regardless of what I've done in the past -- is something that I never EVER though would happen! There were so many days when I would think that I would have to settle for second, fifth, twentith best. Why? Because I let God's #1 best slip through my fingers because I was too enamored with a guitar-playing wannabe bad boy. Yes, I was young. So?!???!?!?!?!?!!? Stupidity honors no age limits!
It's been exactly two months since the day that Jon came to my house (almost thirty minutes early) to pick me up for our first date. I can still remember seeing Abby, Rachel S., Leah, and Jordan watching me out the building door! (Little snoops!) Wow! Looking back at the picture that my dad took on our first date (ABOVE), and then looking at the photo we took a couple weeks ago on a double-date with my parents (LEFT), there's a huge difference!
I am extremely blessed! God has given me more than I deserve in Jon. He has shown me so much through His mercy and grace. It's completely new for me, I will admit, and I am still struggling to get my mind around certain aspects of our relationship. But, wow! It has been so worth it! 100%!
All my life,
I've prayed for someone like you.
And I thank God that I've finally found you.
And all my life,
I've prayed for someone like you.
And I know that you feel the same way, too.
Yes, I know that you do love me too!
I promised to never fall in love with a stranger.
You're all I'm thinking of -- I praise the Lord above
For sending me your love.
I cherish every hug.
You know. . .
~All My Life, KC & JoJo
Monday, June 23, 2008
I Swear
(WARNING [again]: My romantic mood has returned with a vengeance. It is accompanied by a vague sense of melancholy and serenity. So. . .be on the DOUBLE alert!)
This is one of the strangest moods that I've been in over the past [almost] two months. Since I started going out with Jon, everything has changed. Sometimes, I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an empty field, surrounded by darkness, completely alone. None of my other friends is going through an experience like this. It's almost a fear of the unknown. It's been the most confusing, beautiful, wonderful, painful, emotional experience of my life. And yet, he has never left me. I've sent him on an bigger and crazier emotional rollercoaster than [I don't think] either of us ever expected. But the best part is that he is holding my hand, and God is carrying both of us. That is one of the most incredible pictures that I have ever encountered. The thought of being cradled in the arms of my Heavenly Father, as well as being loved by the man that God has especially picked out for me. . .wow!
To be honest, I've been dwelling in a weird and unnecessary fear of rejection and abandonment. You've heard the expression, "If you constantly hit a dog, eventually, it won't be able to receive affection." I guess I'm just like that little puppy. I've been slapped around for so long that I'm still living in fear that, one day, he's just gonna walk away. And I'm scared. Or at least, I was.
Yesterday afternoon, Jon and I were talking on the couch, and I made the comment that I had never actually cried on his shoulder before. I had cried numerous times while we've been on the phone together, but I've never actually fell apart when we were face-to-face. It wasn't something that I was dwelling on; it just happened to be something that I thought of at that particular moment. Sure enough, that night, I had an emotional break-down. I was under a great deal of stress due to a variety of circumstances, and I just collapsed. It was then that Jon put his arm around me, and just let me cry into his shoulder. Right in that moment of sheer emotional agony, God spoke directly to my heart. It was as if He said, "Look. I have given you this man for you to lean on. Let yourself trust him, daughter." I broke down sobbing into Jon's shoulder. . .and he just held me and let me cry my heart out. I let go. Fully. And I feel like a part of me has been restored to life again.
I see the questions in your eyes.
I know what's weighing on your mind.
You can be sure I know my part.
Cuz I'll stand beside you through the years.
You'll only cry those happy tears.
And though I've made mistakes,
I'll never break your heart.
And I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky.
I'll be there.
I swear, like the shadow that's by your side.
I'll be there.
For better or worse, 'till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart.
And I swear.
I'll give you everything I can.
I'll build your dreams with these two hands.
We'll hang some memories on the walls.
And when just the two of us are there,
You won't have to ask if I still care.
Cuz as the times may change,
My love won't fade at all.
~I Swear, Boyz II Men (R&B Version) / John Michael Mountgomery (Country Version)
This is one of the strangest moods that I've been in over the past [almost] two months. Since I started going out with Jon, everything has changed. Sometimes, I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an empty field, surrounded by darkness, completely alone. None of my other friends is going through an experience like this. It's almost a fear of the unknown. It's been the most confusing, beautiful, wonderful, painful, emotional experience of my life. And yet, he has never left me. I've sent him on an bigger and crazier emotional rollercoaster than [I don't think] either of us ever expected. But the best part is that he is holding my hand, and God is carrying both of us. That is one of the most incredible pictures that I have ever encountered. The thought of being cradled in the arms of my Heavenly Father, as well as being loved by the man that God has especially picked out for me. . .wow!
To be honest, I've been dwelling in a weird and unnecessary fear of rejection and abandonment. You've heard the expression, "If you constantly hit a dog, eventually, it won't be able to receive affection." I guess I'm just like that little puppy. I've been slapped around for so long that I'm still living in fear that, one day, he's just gonna walk away. And I'm scared. Or at least, I was.
Yesterday afternoon, Jon and I were talking on the couch, and I made the comment that I had never actually cried on his shoulder before. I had cried numerous times while we've been on the phone together, but I've never actually fell apart when we were face-to-face. It wasn't something that I was dwelling on; it just happened to be something that I thought of at that particular moment. Sure enough, that night, I had an emotional break-down. I was under a great deal of stress due to a variety of circumstances, and I just collapsed. It was then that Jon put his arm around me, and just let me cry into his shoulder. Right in that moment of sheer emotional agony, God spoke directly to my heart. It was as if He said, "Look. I have given you this man for you to lean on. Let yourself trust him, daughter." I broke down sobbing into Jon's shoulder. . .and he just held me and let me cry my heart out. I let go. Fully. And I feel like a part of me has been restored to life again.
I see the questions in your eyes.
I know what's weighing on your mind.
You can be sure I know my part.
Cuz I'll stand beside you through the years.
You'll only cry those happy tears.
And though I've made mistakes,
I'll never break your heart.
And I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky.
I'll be there.
I swear, like the shadow that's by your side.
I'll be there.
For better or worse, 'till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart.
And I swear.
I'll give you everything I can.
I'll build your dreams with these two hands.
We'll hang some memories on the walls.
And when just the two of us are there,
You won't have to ask if I still care.
Cuz as the times may change,
My love won't fade at all.
~I Swear, Boyz II Men (R&B Version) / John Michael Mountgomery (Country Version)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Who Is Like Our God?
"Sometimes, I wish I was made of concrete. A stone statue. Feeling nothing. Being nothing. Impervious to pain, to sorrow, to the agonizing guilt that threatens to consume my aching heart. I wouldn't break, I would simply be. But maybe even that might be too much."
That was me almost two years ago. And then, again, nine months ago. Pouring out my feelings via pen and razorblade, journaling and allowing all the pain to just pour out of my fingertips. Ink expressed what I could not say in my fragile voice. My insecurities kept me from becoming who I was meant to be, from experiencing anything except blackness. Everything about me was dark. My hair, my clothes, my make-up. Even my eyes were black with sorrow and rebellion. The music I listened to was a mix of sad "love" songs, death, and despair. Not anymore.
I still have pain in my life. Life hasn't suddenly and magicly transformed into a place that's all "rainbows and butterflies." But things are better. I have Someone and someone to turn to now when I just need a way out. Let me explain:
Someone. That would be my incredible Savior, Jesus Christ. Sometimes, I look at my life, and the lives of those around me, and I compare the two. I look at how they handle hard and painful issues, and I see nothing but emptiness and hopelessness. How can they hope to get through life without God? There are days when I have no one around me -- I'm alone. All I can do is fall on my knees. And it is then when I find myself walking into the court of the greatest King ever to rule in the history of the world. I'm His daughter, and my Father always hears my broken-hearted cries, even when no one else can. I go out into the middle of the widest field and just scream my heart out. And He hears me! Lowly, sinful, little me! He picks me up and carries me when I can't walk anymore. He listens to my problems, and guides me through things that seem hopeless! Where would I be without Him? When I get married, I want to have a son named Mishael. I never knew what his name meant until I did this Daniel Bible Study. 'Who is like our God?" Wow!
The other someone. That would be Jon, of course. There are days when I marvel at our relationship, and the majesty of the hand of God within our love story. The other day, I was thinking about where I would be without Jon in my life. Honestly, I don't even want to know! I have dated so many loosers in my life -- sadly -- but to be honest, there is no one else that I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with other than him! It's an incredible thing to realize. Just recently, I had someone tell me that what Jon and I are doing isn't right. According to this person, 17 and 20 is just too young to know our own hearts, and we won't last more than a year! Um, excuse me? God has brought Jon and I together for "such a time as this." HE HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER!!! GOD! THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! We are both following His call on our lives. Right now, His plan is for Jon and I to be together. Hopefully until the end of time. There is so much that my heart aches to say, and yet, I can't seem to find the words. You know it's something big when a writer can't even find the right words! =]
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know, at His right hand,
Stands One who is my Savior.
I take Him at His word and deed.
Christ died to save me, this I read.
And within me,
I find a need
For Him to be my Savior.
My Savior loves,
My Savior lives,
My Savior's always there for me.
My God He was,
My God He is --
My God He's ALWAYS GONNA BE!!!!!!!!
~My Savior, My God - Aaron Schust
That was me almost two years ago. And then, again, nine months ago. Pouring out my feelings via pen and razorblade, journaling and allowing all the pain to just pour out of my fingertips. Ink expressed what I could not say in my fragile voice. My insecurities kept me from becoming who I was meant to be, from experiencing anything except blackness. Everything about me was dark. My hair, my clothes, my make-up. Even my eyes were black with sorrow and rebellion. The music I listened to was a mix of sad "love" songs, death, and despair. Not anymore.
I still have pain in my life. Life hasn't suddenly and magicly transformed into a place that's all "rainbows and butterflies." But things are better. I have Someone and someone to turn to now when I just need a way out. Let me explain:
Someone. That would be my incredible Savior, Jesus Christ. Sometimes, I look at my life, and the lives of those around me, and I compare the two. I look at how they handle hard and painful issues, and I see nothing but emptiness and hopelessness. How can they hope to get through life without God? There are days when I have no one around me -- I'm alone. All I can do is fall on my knees. And it is then when I find myself walking into the court of the greatest King ever to rule in the history of the world. I'm His daughter, and my Father always hears my broken-hearted cries, even when no one else can. I go out into the middle of the widest field and just scream my heart out. And He hears me! Lowly, sinful, little me! He picks me up and carries me when I can't walk anymore. He listens to my problems, and guides me through things that seem hopeless! Where would I be without Him? When I get married, I want to have a son named Mishael. I never knew what his name meant until I did this Daniel Bible Study. 'Who is like our God?" Wow!
The other someone. That would be Jon, of course. There are days when I marvel at our relationship, and the majesty of the hand of God within our love story. The other day, I was thinking about where I would be without Jon in my life. Honestly, I don't even want to know! I have dated so many loosers in my life -- sadly -- but to be honest, there is no one else that I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with other than him! It's an incredible thing to realize. Just recently, I had someone tell me that what Jon and I are doing isn't right. According to this person, 17 and 20 is just too young to know our own hearts, and we won't last more than a year! Um, excuse me? God has brought Jon and I together for "such a time as this." HE HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER!!! GOD! THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! We are both following His call on our lives. Right now, His plan is for Jon and I to be together. Hopefully until the end of time. There is so much that my heart aches to say, and yet, I can't seem to find the words. You know it's something big when a writer can't even find the right words! =]
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know, at His right hand,
Stands One who is my Savior.
I take Him at His word and deed.
Christ died to save me, this I read.
And within me,
I find a need
For Him to be my Savior.
My Savior loves,
My Savior lives,
My Savior's always there for me.
My God He was,
My God He is --
My God He's ALWAYS GONNA BE!!!!!!!!
~My Savior, My God - Aaron Schust
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Kiss Me
(Warning: I am currently in an extremely literary/romatic mood. Please continue at your own peril. You have been warned!)
There are so many times when I look back over my life, and I am drawn to tears. Tears of regret. Tears of shame. Tears of sorrow. How could I have thought so little of something so beautiful and intimate as a kiss? I am forgiven, I know, both by Jon and by God. But, oh, what a costly sacrifice for such brief, immediate, passing, personal affection!
Kisses are treated with a great deal of casual scorn these days. In all the great movies, what does everyone (or at least, the girls) look foward to at the end? The kiss. You can kiss anyone for any reason. Saving a first kiss for something important like. . .oh, I dunno. . .*cough* MARRIAGE *cough* . . . well, that's almost unheard of! Very little is said today about the importance of saving first kisses for the one person that you are going to marry. . .and wating until the VERY MOMENT that you are offically man and wife to seal the commitment forever with a kiss.
Back in the 1800s, a kiss was viewed as something scandelous. A kiss given to someone to whom you were not engaged was considered almost as impure as premarital sex! Now, kissing is a common practice!
Okay, now I sound like a serious prude. I'm not saying that if you kiss someone, you're going to hell or anything crazy like that. In my opinion, that should be left up to your own personal beliefs. Answer to your own conscience. However, I do believe that kissing is treated with an attitude that is far too casual. How many movie kisses have you seen that have stuck in your mind? I have seen only a few -- a rare, beautiful few!
The kiss between Noah and Allie in The Notebook. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice. Arwen and Aragon in The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Neo and Trinity in The Matrix. Landon and Jamie in A Walk to Remember. Tyler and Nora in Step Up. Romeo and Juliet in Romeo + Juliet.
Now you may be asking, why these particular kisses? Because each one of these rare kisses signifies something precious. Allie and Noah: forever love, regardless of circumstances or hardship. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth: purity. Arwen and Aragon: devotion and sacrifice. Neo and Trinity: salvation. Landon and Jamie: 'til death do us part. Tyler and Nora: devotion and sacrifice. Romeo and Juliet: all of the above.
Oh, how I wish that I had not thrown away my first kiss. Or my second. Or my tenth. But with Jon, I have a new start. I've never kissed him. And until Pastor says, "You may now (finally!!!!) kiss the bride," I don't intend to! And something else: Jon has never kissed anyone. ANYONE! Do you know what its like to realize that you are someone's one and only? For real??? It makes me cry. . .as I am doing right now, actually! It's a stunning realization. It's beautiful. It's romantic. It's true. It's holy. It's pure. It's GONNA BE AMAZING! It's gonna be worth the wait. 100%.
Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band,
And make the fireflies dance
With the silver moon sparkling.
So
Kiss me.
~Kiss Me, Sixpence None the Richer
There are so many times when I look back over my life, and I am drawn to tears. Tears of regret. Tears of shame. Tears of sorrow. How could I have thought so little of something so beautiful and intimate as a kiss? I am forgiven, I know, both by Jon and by God. But, oh, what a costly sacrifice for such brief, immediate, passing, personal affection!
Kisses are treated with a great deal of casual scorn these days. In all the great movies, what does everyone (or at least, the girls) look foward to at the end? The kiss. You can kiss anyone for any reason. Saving a first kiss for something important like. . .oh, I dunno. . .*cough* MARRIAGE *cough* . . . well, that's almost unheard of! Very little is said today about the importance of saving first kisses for the one person that you are going to marry. . .and wating until the VERY MOMENT that you are offically man and wife to seal the commitment forever with a kiss.
Back in the 1800s, a kiss was viewed as something scandelous. A kiss given to someone to whom you were not engaged was considered almost as impure as premarital sex! Now, kissing is a common practice!
Okay, now I sound like a serious prude. I'm not saying that if you kiss someone, you're going to hell or anything crazy like that. In my opinion, that should be left up to your own personal beliefs. Answer to your own conscience. However, I do believe that kissing is treated with an attitude that is far too casual. How many movie kisses have you seen that have stuck in your mind? I have seen only a few -- a rare, beautiful few!
The kiss between Noah and Allie in The Notebook. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice. Arwen and Aragon in The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Neo and Trinity in The Matrix. Landon and Jamie in A Walk to Remember. Tyler and Nora in Step Up. Romeo and Juliet in Romeo + Juliet.
Now you may be asking, why these particular kisses? Because each one of these rare kisses signifies something precious. Allie and Noah: forever love, regardless of circumstances or hardship. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth: purity. Arwen and Aragon: devotion and sacrifice. Neo and Trinity: salvation. Landon and Jamie: 'til death do us part. Tyler and Nora: devotion and sacrifice. Romeo and Juliet: all of the above.
Oh, how I wish that I had not thrown away my first kiss. Or my second. Or my tenth. But with Jon, I have a new start. I've never kissed him. And until Pastor says, "You may now (finally!!!!) kiss the bride," I don't intend to! And something else: Jon has never kissed anyone. ANYONE! Do you know what its like to realize that you are someone's one and only? For real??? It makes me cry. . .as I am doing right now, actually! It's a stunning realization. It's beautiful. It's romantic. It's true. It's holy. It's pure. It's GONNA BE AMAZING! It's gonna be worth the wait. 100%.
Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band,
And make the fireflies dance
With the silver moon sparkling.
So
Kiss me.
~Kiss Me, Sixpence None the Richer
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Everything
Pain hurts.
Okay, so while you might see that as a "no, duh!" statement, it really is a lot deeper than that. Life tends to dish out certain things that you really wish that it would keep to itself. Yes, we are commanded to "count it all joy." But you know? It's hard. Really hard.
Honestly, I want stuff to be different. I want to not have stormed at my dad yesterday. I want to have not been in a crappy mood so that I missed my footing and fell on the stairs. I want to have not hit my foot so hard that it turned purple in a matter of minutes. I want to get those moments back.
Yes, I am a lit geek. I will admit it. However, this funky quirk of mine can be exceptionally helpful in instances such as these. The words of C.S. Lewis seem to fall in good right about now. In Prince Caspian, the four children have fallen into more trouble than they ever imagined. Soldiers keeping them at bay, failed battles, and danger surrounding their every turn. In one particular moment of hopelessness, Aslan (the great Lion and King from across the sea) is talking to the most faithful of the four, fourteen-year-old Lucy. Lucy, in all her innocence, asks Aslan what would have happened if she and her fellow kings and queens would have chosen a different battle plan. In all of His wisdom, Aslan replies: "No one is ever told what would have happened. But what will happen? That is a completely different matter!"
Every aspect of my life has a plan! Sometimes, I question why I was adopted. It seems hard to understand sometimes. However, if I hadn't been adopted, I wouldn't be living here! I wouldn't have gone on any of my missions trips. I wouldn't be going to the best private school in the world! I wouldn't be spending hours fine-tuning my writing skills under the best instructors that I have ever been honored to study under! I probably wouldn't be a Christian. And I wouldn't know the most incredible man in the entire universe -- I wouldn't have met my soulmate! (Or his spectacular family either!) Jon has taught me so much about faith, about love, about honoring God. We have both made mistakes. But all I can say is that it takes a fall to make you realize how much you enjoy standing on the solid ground. <3
God has blessed me more than I ever imagined possible. It just takes me a while to realize it, sometimes! Lord, help my unbelief!
How can I stand here with You,
And not be moved by You?
Can You tell me --
How could it be
Any better than this, Lord?
You're all I want.
You're all I need.
You're EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING!
~Everything, Lifehouse
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Soulmate
For some reason, I have felt exceptionally inspired. And now, after reading Jon's newest blog, I can't keep myself from writing any longer!
A lot is going on right now. I leave for Lima, Peru, South America in 22 days. This is something that I have been looking forward to since I stepped off that plane last year. Peru is the most beautiful, most empty, most heartwrenching country in the entire world. My heart has been drawn to those people since 2006 when I first went there on a missions trip. Now, for the third year in a row, I'm going back.
And now, there's this new thing with Jon and New Orleans. It will be a big change, I know. But you know something? It's gonna be okay. I want to remain in the center of the will of God, and I want Jon to do the same. If God is calling him to New Orleans, then I am perfectly content with him going. I will wait for him as long as it takes. Six months, a year, ten years -- it really doesn't matter.
God told Abraham to get up and go. He did. He took a step of faith that seemed almost INSANE to those around him. And he became the father of the chosen people of the Lord. Wow! Daniel was dragged away from his homeland to serve a pagan king in a foreign land. It must have been one of the hardest things that he had ever experienced in his young life. And yet, God used his captivity to work in the hearts of five different Babylonian kings!
Change can be hard. But if we are following God's call on our lives, it is the best thing we could EVER do! And right now, I hear God calling me to make a lot of changes. It's not been easy! Trust me! But God is on my side, and as long as I am in the center of His will, then I am safe!
Soulmate.
Until the end of time, you are my
Soulmate.
When I get down, you're the one who lifts me up.
In this day and time,
The right one's hard to find.
That's why I'm holding on to you!
In the good and bad and even through the heartache
We've got a special bond that will never break.
'Cause, darling, you and I are
Soulmates.
~Soulmate (bits and pieces), Josh Turner
A lot is going on right now. I leave for Lima, Peru, South America in 22 days. This is something that I have been looking forward to since I stepped off that plane last year. Peru is the most beautiful, most empty, most heartwrenching country in the entire world. My heart has been drawn to those people since 2006 when I first went there on a missions trip. Now, for the third year in a row, I'm going back.
And now, there's this new thing with Jon and New Orleans. It will be a big change, I know. But you know something? It's gonna be okay. I want to remain in the center of the will of God, and I want Jon to do the same. If God is calling him to New Orleans, then I am perfectly content with him going. I will wait for him as long as it takes. Six months, a year, ten years -- it really doesn't matter.
God told Abraham to get up and go. He did. He took a step of faith that seemed almost INSANE to those around him. And he became the father of the chosen people of the Lord. Wow! Daniel was dragged away from his homeland to serve a pagan king in a foreign land. It must have been one of the hardest things that he had ever experienced in his young life. And yet, God used his captivity to work in the hearts of five different Babylonian kings!
Change can be hard. But if we are following God's call on our lives, it is the best thing we could EVER do! And right now, I hear God calling me to make a lot of changes. It's not been easy! Trust me! But God is on my side, and as long as I am in the center of His will, then I am safe!
Soulmate.
Until the end of time, you are my
Soulmate.
When I get down, you're the one who lifts me up.
In this day and time,
The right one's hard to find.
That's why I'm holding on to you!
In the good and bad and even through the heartache
We've got a special bond that will never break.
'Cause, darling, you and I are
Soulmates.
~Soulmate (bits and pieces), Josh Turner
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Here's My Life (FAITH)
Okay. Yes, I did just post yesterday. But man, a lot can happen in the space of a few hours. A lot. And, simply for lack of a better idea, and the ability to clearly state my thoughts at the moment, the acronym will come to my rescue. . .
I will admit that I am facing a certain amount of FEAR right now. I know that fear is not from God, and that the Devil is using my own weakness against me. But with something like this nailing me unexpectedly, the fear of the future and the unknown is once again rearing its ugly head. I'm scared of what I don't know. I'm scared of not having him around when I need him. I'm scared. Period. Oh, God -- help me where I am weak!!
The best part of this is knowing that God is the AUTHORITY over all of these life-changing aspirations. I pray that He will continue to guide both of us (moreso Jon than me right now) and will keep us walking in His direction. I won't deny that I feel the Hand of God in this newest revelation. I really do. This is something that he really should do -- it's perfect for him! God is in control -- I just have to keep telling myself that, and rely on Him for my strength and clarity.
I. That's the crux of it. I feel extremely selfish. If I had my own way, nothing would change. It would all go as planned. . .and then we would both miss the blessing of God on our lives. This is where total surrender comes in to play. All I have left is to fall at the foot of the cross and give it all over to God. My pain, my weakness, my fear, my worries, my confusion. Everything.
Then again, there is a certain measure of THANKFULNESS that comes riding up right about now, too. I'm so greatful to God that we can go through this together instead of by ourselves. With God, we would never be alone. But still, it's really nice to have a human companion to figure out life's rough spots with, you know? It's gonna be hard -- no doubt about it! But God has a plan and a purpose to everything.
And that's why I'm just gonna keep HOLDING ON. It will be hard, there might even be some pain thrown in there. But you know what? He died on the cross to save me from the ultimate suffering. For the betterment of His kingdom, can't I give up a few things? Surrendering the things (and people) that I hold dearest to my heart is not easy. And I know that it won't be easy for him, either. But you know what? It's gonna be worth it in the end.
FAITH. It's gonna take a lot of FAITH. Prayer. Suplication. Tears. Pain. Seperation. But my God is big enough. Big enough to get me through this. Big enough to provide in extremely miraculous ways. Big enough to keep our relationship strong. . .and to have it grow stronger, even through distance. Big enough. 100%.
On the ring finger of my right hand, there's a promise. A really really big one! And you know what? I trust him. I trust that promise. I will wait. I will keep waiting. No one else. I'm a one-man woman. It's a promise that I intend to keep until the bitter end. . .and then some!
God, I'm crying out tonight
Cause I'm giving You my life.
God, I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind.
So once more --
Here's my life.
~Here's My Life, BarlowGirl
I will admit that I am facing a certain amount of FEAR right now. I know that fear is not from God, and that the Devil is using my own weakness against me. But with something like this nailing me unexpectedly, the fear of the future and the unknown is once again rearing its ugly head. I'm scared of what I don't know. I'm scared of not having him around when I need him. I'm scared. Period. Oh, God -- help me where I am weak!!
The best part of this is knowing that God is the AUTHORITY over all of these life-changing aspirations. I pray that He will continue to guide both of us (moreso Jon than me right now) and will keep us walking in His direction. I won't deny that I feel the Hand of God in this newest revelation. I really do. This is something that he really should do -- it's perfect for him! God is in control -- I just have to keep telling myself that, and rely on Him for my strength and clarity.
I. That's the crux of it. I feel extremely selfish. If I had my own way, nothing would change. It would all go as planned. . .and then we would both miss the blessing of God on our lives. This is where total surrender comes in to play. All I have left is to fall at the foot of the cross and give it all over to God. My pain, my weakness, my fear, my worries, my confusion. Everything.
Then again, there is a certain measure of THANKFULNESS that comes riding up right about now, too. I'm so greatful to God that we can go through this together instead of by ourselves. With God, we would never be alone. But still, it's really nice to have a human companion to figure out life's rough spots with, you know? It's gonna be hard -- no doubt about it! But God has a plan and a purpose to everything.
And that's why I'm just gonna keep HOLDING ON. It will be hard, there might even be some pain thrown in there. But you know what? He died on the cross to save me from the ultimate suffering. For the betterment of His kingdom, can't I give up a few things? Surrendering the things (and people) that I hold dearest to my heart is not easy. And I know that it won't be easy for him, either. But you know what? It's gonna be worth it in the end.
FAITH. It's gonna take a lot of FAITH. Prayer. Suplication. Tears. Pain. Seperation. But my God is big enough. Big enough to get me through this. Big enough to provide in extremely miraculous ways. Big enough to keep our relationship strong. . .and to have it grow stronger, even through distance. Big enough. 100%.
On the ring finger of my right hand, there's a promise. A really really big one! And you know what? I trust him. I trust that promise. I will wait. I will keep waiting. No one else. I'm a one-man woman. It's a promise that I intend to keep until the bitter end. . .and then some!
God, I'm crying out tonight
Cause I'm giving You my life.
God, I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind.
So once more --
Here's my life.
~Here's My Life, BarlowGirl
Monday, June 2, 2008
My Savior, My God
I have so much to say right now, and very little time/space in which to convey it all! So much of my thoughts seem cliche and overstated to the point of redundency. . .oh, well. Here goes.
Over the past several months, God has taken my life in a COMPLETELY different direction that what I had originally imagined. (Yep. That was my first mistake -- attempting to tell God what to do!!) I had envisioned myself going to a major university, majoring in physcology/history, becoming a cop/CSI, meeting a guy, falling in love, getting married, and maybe having one or two kids while still trying to maintain a career. Now, everything is flying the opposite way! Don't get me wrong -- it's a good thing! But either way, it's been a switch.
To be honest, it's been much harder than I expected. I didn't expect to break down crying whenever I saw a squard car. I didn't expect giving up my dreams of a big-time school. I didn't think that I would ever be happy as a stay-at-home mother (for the most part). It's like I've been living in this beautiful penthouse suite alongside the ocean. The enterior is lavish. The furnishings are top-line stuff. Very expensive, very chic, very extravagant. And I have become accustomed to this life of luxery. And then, there's a storm. Not a horrible storm, but just enough to blow open the windows of my penthouse. And I catch a glimpse of what lies outside. The sun is beautiful, although slightly hidden by clouds. The surf is pounding against the shoreline -- fierce and terrifying, and yet, breathtaking. I have been trapped inside for such a long time that I have been missing all of the beauty that is waiting for me -- just outside the window.
I'm seeing God move me in so many incredible ways. I'm branching out in my writing, exploring all the avenues of literary advancement. Working as a writer out of my home doesn't seem so bad. God has brought a wonderful young man into my life -- one that has been such a blessing to me that there aren't enough words to express my feelings!
I know that I have been a bit of an emotional wreck over the past several weeks. And I know that Jon has bourne the brunt of my mood swings. I have had many doubts, fears, and uncertainties about my own adequacy and my ability to be the best woman for him. I have struggled with my past, and the way that other boys have treated me throughout the years. Jon is NOT anything like those old boyfriends. I am secure in his affection for me. I know that he will forgive me and be there for me -- through any storm or trial that might hit us throughout the years. He truly cares for me. This is something entirely new for me. I have been scared to let down my guard, scared to trust, scared to let myself fall again. But this time I know that Jon is not going to stand back and let me fall to my death. He will do his best to catch me. He is seeking God in our relationship. He is leading us toward God and His purpose instead of away from His glory. I can feel myself growing deeper and deeper into the heart of God through my relationship with Jon. And it is a glorious thing indeed!
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know, at His right Hand,
Stands One who is my Savior.
I take Him at His word and deed.
Christ died to save me, this I read.
And in my heart, I find the need
Of Him to be my Savior.
That He would leave His place on High
And come for sinful men to die.
You count it strange?
So once did I
Before I knew my Savior!
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me!
My God He was, my God He is --
My God He's ALWAYS GONNA BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~My Savior, My God -- Aaron Shust
Over the past several months, God has taken my life in a COMPLETELY different direction that what I had originally imagined. (Yep. That was my first mistake -- attempting to tell God what to do!!) I had envisioned myself going to a major university, majoring in physcology/history, becoming a cop/CSI, meeting a guy, falling in love, getting married, and maybe having one or two kids while still trying to maintain a career. Now, everything is flying the opposite way! Don't get me wrong -- it's a good thing! But either way, it's been a switch.
To be honest, it's been much harder than I expected. I didn't expect to break down crying whenever I saw a squard car. I didn't expect giving up my dreams of a big-time school. I didn't think that I would ever be happy as a stay-at-home mother (for the most part). It's like I've been living in this beautiful penthouse suite alongside the ocean. The enterior is lavish. The furnishings are top-line stuff. Very expensive, very chic, very extravagant. And I have become accustomed to this life of luxery. And then, there's a storm. Not a horrible storm, but just enough to blow open the windows of my penthouse. And I catch a glimpse of what lies outside. The sun is beautiful, although slightly hidden by clouds. The surf is pounding against the shoreline -- fierce and terrifying, and yet, breathtaking. I have been trapped inside for such a long time that I have been missing all of the beauty that is waiting for me -- just outside the window.
I'm seeing God move me in so many incredible ways. I'm branching out in my writing, exploring all the avenues of literary advancement. Working as a writer out of my home doesn't seem so bad. God has brought a wonderful young man into my life -- one that has been such a blessing to me that there aren't enough words to express my feelings!
I know that I have been a bit of an emotional wreck over the past several weeks. And I know that Jon has bourne the brunt of my mood swings. I have had many doubts, fears, and uncertainties about my own adequacy and my ability to be the best woman for him. I have struggled with my past, and the way that other boys have treated me throughout the years. Jon is NOT anything like those old boyfriends. I am secure in his affection for me. I know that he will forgive me and be there for me -- through any storm or trial that might hit us throughout the years. He truly cares for me. This is something entirely new for me. I have been scared to let down my guard, scared to trust, scared to let myself fall again. But this time I know that Jon is not going to stand back and let me fall to my death. He will do his best to catch me. He is seeking God in our relationship. He is leading us toward God and His purpose instead of away from His glory. I can feel myself growing deeper and deeper into the heart of God through my relationship with Jon. And it is a glorious thing indeed!
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know, at His right Hand,
Stands One who is my Savior.
I take Him at His word and deed.
Christ died to save me, this I read.
And in my heart, I find the need
Of Him to be my Savior.
That He would leave His place on High
And come for sinful men to die.
You count it strange?
So once did I
Before I knew my Savior!
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me!
My God He was, my God He is --
My God He's ALWAYS GONNA BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~My Savior, My God -- Aaron Shust
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
When God Made You
Once again, I've been lax in my writing. I suppose you could say that I've been a bit uninspired over the past couple of weeks. I've had a lot on my mind, but not a lot that can really been expressed in words. I've had to work through a lot of pain and emotional stress, and it hasn't been the best experience of my life. However, how can a statue hope to become more beautiful without chipping and polishing?
This newest phase in my life has been one of the most challanging things that I've ever attempted. I've always dreamed of meeting my knight in shining armor, falling madly in love, leaping onto the back of his white stallion, and riding away into the sunset to live happily ever after. Yes, I know that not even fairy tales come true all the time. Every girl dreams of her fairy-tale romance, and most of the time, its a strange kind of magic that is completely unlike anything they ever could have imagined.
To be honest, I never thought that it would be this hard, this complicated, this wonderfully tragic and confusing at the same time. But you know what? God has blessed me in more ways than I ever thought possible. God has taken me and pruned away my imperfections. Yes, I will admit that I feel extreme inadequate at times. Am I prepared to be a wife? A mother? The manager of my own home? The caretaker of my husband, and one day, my children? I want whatever He wants for me. And I know this: it will be hard, but it will be worth it!
There is something special about Jon that I can't quite understand. There are times when I think I have him completely figured out, and then. . .he goes and shows me how well he can play chess! He throws me for a loop. He inspires me with ideas that I had never even imagined! And to be honest, sometimes, it scares me. (Note: Jon caught the error! lol So, I had to change it! =]]]) It scares me that one day, if God wills, I will be his wife. Never in a million years would I have dreamed that a man like him would love a girl like me. In all of my imperfections, he still cares for me with such adoration and tenderness that I brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it!
Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice is a story of love and hatred. Of pride and humility. Of shadows and light. Of two people. . .well, I suppose you could say four people. . .who find love in the strangest of opposites. Between Bingley and Jane, it is unchartered territory. It's sweet, romantic, loving tenderness. It's a gentle walk in the woods, a moonlit stroll. It's new, sweet, and mysterious. While they are easily swayed by the opinions of others, they find that they cannot live without one another. With Darcy and Lizzie, there is a challange between them. They ignite a spark within one another -- challange one another's minds and hearts in ways that they never thought possible. Their relationship sways from hatred to love and back again more times than a pendulum swings in an hour. And yet, in the end, he loves her. He kisses her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, and her lips. He calls her "Mrs. Darcy." He loves her with a fire-high passion.
I find both of these classic loves within my own love story. This is new for both of us. It's a sweet and tender romance. . .in which we both challange and confuse one another beyond the edge of reason. He changes my chess strategy, and yet, he says I think too much. What a mystery! A beautiful mystery that only God can understand. And yet, maybe I am beginning to understand, too. .
Oh, I wonder what God was thinkin'
When He created you.
I wonder if he knew everything I would need
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you,
He must have been thinking about me.
~When God Made You, Newsong
This newest phase in my life has been one of the most challanging things that I've ever attempted. I've always dreamed of meeting my knight in shining armor, falling madly in love, leaping onto the back of his white stallion, and riding away into the sunset to live happily ever after. Yes, I know that not even fairy tales come true all the time. Every girl dreams of her fairy-tale romance, and most of the time, its a strange kind of magic that is completely unlike anything they ever could have imagined.
To be honest, I never thought that it would be this hard, this complicated, this wonderfully tragic and confusing at the same time. But you know what? God has blessed me in more ways than I ever thought possible. God has taken me and pruned away my imperfections. Yes, I will admit that I feel extreme inadequate at times. Am I prepared to be a wife? A mother? The manager of my own home? The caretaker of my husband, and one day, my children? I want whatever He wants for me. And I know this: it will be hard, but it will be worth it!
There is something special about Jon that I can't quite understand. There are times when I think I have him completely figured out, and then. . .he goes and shows me how well he can play chess! He throws me for a loop. He inspires me with ideas that I had never even imagined! And to be honest, sometimes, it scares me. (Note: Jon caught the error! lol So, I had to change it! =]]]) It scares me that one day, if God wills, I will be his wife. Never in a million years would I have dreamed that a man like him would love a girl like me. In all of my imperfections, he still cares for me with such adoration and tenderness that I brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it!
Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice is a story of love and hatred. Of pride and humility. Of shadows and light. Of two people. . .well, I suppose you could say four people. . .who find love in the strangest of opposites. Between Bingley and Jane, it is unchartered territory. It's sweet, romantic, loving tenderness. It's a gentle walk in the woods, a moonlit stroll. It's new, sweet, and mysterious. While they are easily swayed by the opinions of others, they find that they cannot live without one another. With Darcy and Lizzie, there is a challange between them. They ignite a spark within one another -- challange one another's minds and hearts in ways that they never thought possible. Their relationship sways from hatred to love and back again more times than a pendulum swings in an hour. And yet, in the end, he loves her. He kisses her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, and her lips. He calls her "Mrs. Darcy." He loves her with a fire-high passion.
I find both of these classic loves within my own love story. This is new for both of us. It's a sweet and tender romance. . .in which we both challange and confuse one another beyond the edge of reason. He changes my chess strategy, and yet, he says I think too much. What a mystery! A beautiful mystery that only God can understand. And yet, maybe I am beginning to understand, too. .
Oh, I wonder what God was thinkin'
When He created you.
I wonder if he knew everything I would need
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you,
He must have been thinking about me.
~When God Made You, Newsong
Saturday, May 17, 2008
For Good
My best friend has graduated.
When she first told me that she would be graduating early, I don't think that I knew how much it would affect me later.
It hit me tonight.
Sierra graduating isn't the only thing going on in my life right now, but it seems to be kinda predominent at the moment.
I sat in that church building for the commencement ceremony tonight. I thought I was gonna be fine.
I wasn't.
We sang our "National Anthem." I had a flashback.
FLASHBACK:
I am standing in the middle of a basketball court. Two teams have already been introduced. The timer is set to go. Someone hums a note. I open my mouth. Voices harmonize. "Oh-oh, say can you see. . . ." It's me. And my best friend. Our first time singing like this. And I remember.
I got through the "rocket's red glare." And I lost it.
I started crying. A lot.
Good thing Jon was there, or I don't think I would have made it, to be honest.
I managed to maintain control until the man on the podium called out Sierra's name. She walked forward to get her diploma. She graduated. And I cried.
I was fine again. . .until tonight.
Then it hit me.
My best friend was gone. Graduated.
No more swapping papers.
No more late Monday night phonecalls to make sure that everything was edited.
No more her yelling at me to "CONDENSE YOUR VERBAGE!"
No more concuring during Mytho.
No more groaning over Chem problems.
No more school plays.
No more 15 minute lunch breaks.
No more high school memories for the two of us.
Now there's just me. Me. Two very lonely letters.
Okay, so I'm being overdramatic. But no one really understands me like Sierra does.
She gets my total INSANITY!
She gets how every little plot twist makes a difference. It's CRUCIAL, you know?
Inspiration excites her too, not just me!
She stays up until 2am thinking of a character name that does not start with the letter "A."
She's my best friend.
She's Sierra.
100% non-romantic. And yet, she puts up with me. For the most part. =]
I guess all I can say is: thanks.
It's not over yet. Well, sorta!
Sleepovers. Movies. Laughing.
Grits and eggs. Wheech sheep?
The root of "coo."
Snoring squirrels.
Mr. Darcy.
Godspell.
Hi-ho, Robin Hood.
Fluency of Espanol percentages.
Thanks Sierra.
Thanks for being my best friend.
Thanks for being there for me.
Thanks for just being you.
Thanks.
100 times over.
Oh yeah. And DON'T SMASH THE VIOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=]]]]]
I concur.
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun.
Like a steam that meets a boulder halfway through the woods.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part,
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.
~For Good, Wicked
When she first told me that she would be graduating early, I don't think that I knew how much it would affect me later.
It hit me tonight.
Sierra graduating isn't the only thing going on in my life right now, but it seems to be kinda predominent at the moment.
I sat in that church building for the commencement ceremony tonight. I thought I was gonna be fine.
I wasn't.
We sang our "National Anthem." I had a flashback.
FLASHBACK:
I am standing in the middle of a basketball court. Two teams have already been introduced. The timer is set to go. Someone hums a note. I open my mouth. Voices harmonize. "Oh-oh, say can you see. . . ." It's me. And my best friend. Our first time singing like this. And I remember.
I got through the "rocket's red glare." And I lost it.
I started crying. A lot.
Good thing Jon was there, or I don't think I would have made it, to be honest.
I managed to maintain control until the man on the podium called out Sierra's name. She walked forward to get her diploma. She graduated. And I cried.
I was fine again. . .until tonight.
Then it hit me.
My best friend was gone. Graduated.
No more swapping papers.
No more late Monday night phonecalls to make sure that everything was edited.
No more her yelling at me to "CONDENSE YOUR VERBAGE!"
No more concuring during Mytho.
No more groaning over Chem problems.
No more school plays.
No more 15 minute lunch breaks.
No more high school memories for the two of us.
Now there's just me. Me. Two very lonely letters.
Okay, so I'm being overdramatic. But no one really understands me like Sierra does.
She gets my total INSANITY!
She gets how every little plot twist makes a difference. It's CRUCIAL, you know?
Inspiration excites her too, not just me!
She stays up until 2am thinking of a character name that does not start with the letter "A."
She's my best friend.
She's Sierra.
100% non-romantic. And yet, she puts up with me. For the most part. =]
I guess all I can say is: thanks.
It's not over yet. Well, sorta!
Sleepovers. Movies. Laughing.
Grits and eggs. Wheech sheep?
The root of "coo."
Snoring squirrels.
Mr. Darcy.
Godspell.
Hi-ho, Robin Hood.
Fluency of Espanol percentages.
Thanks Sierra.
Thanks for being my best friend.
Thanks for being there for me.
Thanks for just being you.
Thanks.
100 times over.
Oh yeah. And DON'T SMASH THE VIOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=]]]]]
I concur.
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun.
Like a steam that meets a boulder halfway through the woods.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part,
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.
~For Good, Wicked
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Another Try
So. . . .
If you remember, I mentioned (or perhaps a better way of putting it would be that I wrote an epistle) about how I have recently (or not-so-recently, depending on how you wanna put it), entered into a relationship with an amazing guy named Jon. One problem: you might be sitting there wondering, "Who the HECK is this guy?" Well, thank you for asking. . .please allow me to fill you in! (And right here, I am going to be stealing his idea of doing the 5 W's. . . .thanks, darling!)
Who is he? His name is Jon. He's 20, which makes me feel young (or old), depending on the situation and whether or not I'm being random and/or immature at the moment of the revelation. He's the oldest of a family of eleven, not counting the three psuedo-foster kids living at the house at the moment. Jon is part of an incredible family which I love almost as much as my own!
Where did I meet him? Church. Yeah, weird, I know. I mean, after being surrounded by guys at all the places and experiences that I have been to or been a part of, I meet the guy at church. Yes, God! I have seen the irony. You were right the whole time, and I was wrong! (And in this case, I am exceptionally happy to be wrong!)
When did I meet him, or how long have I known him? I have known him for almost seven years. I have been liked by him for three years. . . .and we can forget the middle two/three. . . . . .and I have been beloved by him for almost a month, which seems like the longest/shortest month that I have ever lived!
What is he? He is a truck-loving, blonde-haired, green-eyed (okay, I concede!!!), strong Chrisitian guy. He knows pretty much EVERYTHING about trucks, which amazes me sometimes. He's funny -- and random, even if he doesn't quite know it yet! But now I'm starting to bleed into the next question, which is. . .
Why have I fallen in "like" with this guy? I mean, it's a big world with lots of amazing guys in it, right? Well, if there are, I think I've gotten the best of the lot. Jon is such a strong man of God -- that right there could be enough! He's humble in that he will admit his mistakes and turn away from them in the future. He's got a good head on his shoulders. . .common sense and smarts all in one. He's got a great sense of humor, which is quite essential to be in a relationship with me. He's gorgeous. Hands-down! Blonde hair, STUNNING greenish-blue eyes (there, that works, right?), a killer smile . . .this list could go on and on. And if his outward appearence wasn't enough, his heart is incredible! He is gentle, kind, romantic (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever let the guy tell you that he is not romantic. HE IS, and he hits the nail on the head EVERY TIME!), sweet, funny, loving, loves his family, loves God, respects leadership, is a leader himself, cares about others, respects me, protects me, cares for me, prays with me, draws me closer to GOD. . . . . . . . .this list could go on until the end of time.
Favorite memory of us (so far. . .)? It's a toss-up between our first date and the weekend that we went up to his grandpa's lake house. Those two events cemented in my heart everything about him and I being together. Oh yeah, and our walks together pretty much rock. And we talk on the phone for about an hour and a half every night. And he's gotten surprising me down to an ART! =]
There are days when I look at him and think, "Wow! I am so unworthy! I don't deserve him." And then I realize, "I'm unworthy to be loved by God, too. And yet, God still loves me, regardless!" In some respects, Jon has been a true shadow of the love of God. It's AWESOME! Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Josh Turner puts it so perfectly. . .although I just had to tweak it a bit. . .
The reasons I was along I know by heart,
I DONT HAVE to spend forever in the dark.
I swear THIS time I'll hang on for dear life.
Since love gave me another try.
~Josh Turner, edited for these purposes by Artie, the luckiest and most blessed girl alive!
If you remember, I mentioned (or perhaps a better way of putting it would be that I wrote an epistle) about how I have recently (or not-so-recently, depending on how you wanna put it), entered into a relationship with an amazing guy named Jon. One problem: you might be sitting there wondering, "Who the HECK is this guy?" Well, thank you for asking. . .please allow me to fill you in! (And right here, I am going to be stealing his idea of doing the 5 W's. . . .thanks, darling!)
Who is he? His name is Jon. He's 20, which makes me feel young (or old), depending on the situation and whether or not I'm being random and/or immature at the moment of the revelation. He's the oldest of a family of eleven, not counting the three psuedo-foster kids living at the house at the moment. Jon is part of an incredible family which I love almost as much as my own!
Where did I meet him? Church. Yeah, weird, I know. I mean, after being surrounded by guys at all the places and experiences that I have been to or been a part of, I meet the guy at church. Yes, God! I have seen the irony. You were right the whole time, and I was wrong! (And in this case, I am exceptionally happy to be wrong!)
When did I meet him, or how long have I known him? I have known him for almost seven years. I have been liked by him for three years. . . .and we can forget the middle two/three. . . . . .and I have been beloved by him for almost a month, which seems like the longest/shortest month that I have ever lived!
What is he? He is a truck-loving, blonde-haired, green-eyed (okay, I concede!!!), strong Chrisitian guy. He knows pretty much EVERYTHING about trucks, which amazes me sometimes. He's funny -- and random, even if he doesn't quite know it yet! But now I'm starting to bleed into the next question, which is. . .
Why have I fallen in "like" with this guy? I mean, it's a big world with lots of amazing guys in it, right? Well, if there are, I think I've gotten the best of the lot. Jon is such a strong man of God -- that right there could be enough! He's humble in that he will admit his mistakes and turn away from them in the future. He's got a good head on his shoulders. . .common sense and smarts all in one. He's got a great sense of humor, which is quite essential to be in a relationship with me. He's gorgeous. Hands-down! Blonde hair, STUNNING greenish-blue eyes (there, that works, right?), a killer smile . . .this list could go on and on. And if his outward appearence wasn't enough, his heart is incredible! He is gentle, kind, romantic (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever let the guy tell you that he is not romantic. HE IS, and he hits the nail on the head EVERY TIME!), sweet, funny, loving, loves his family, loves God, respects leadership, is a leader himself, cares about others, respects me, protects me, cares for me, prays with me, draws me closer to GOD. . . . . . . . .this list could go on until the end of time.
Favorite memory of us (so far. . .)? It's a toss-up between our first date and the weekend that we went up to his grandpa's lake house. Those two events cemented in my heart everything about him and I being together. Oh yeah, and our walks together pretty much rock. And we talk on the phone for about an hour and a half every night. And he's gotten surprising me down to an ART! =]
There are days when I look at him and think, "Wow! I am so unworthy! I don't deserve him." And then I realize, "I'm unworthy to be loved by God, too. And yet, God still loves me, regardless!" In some respects, Jon has been a true shadow of the love of God. It's AWESOME! Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Josh Turner puts it so perfectly. . .although I just had to tweak it a bit. . .
The reasons I was along I know by heart,
I DONT HAVE to spend forever in the dark.
I swear THIS time I'll hang on for dear life.
Since love gave me another try.
~Josh Turner, edited for these purposes by Artie, the luckiest and most blessed girl alive!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I'm For You
Okay, so pretty much, there's been a lot of stuff going on around here over the past couple of days. . .okay, more like over the past week! My life as a Junior is coming to a close, and Senior year is starting to come around the corner. Which means that life is about to become even MORE chaotic! HELP!!
I refuse to allow the Devil to steal my joy. I REFUSE! However. . .it is so much eaiser said than done. A lot of stuff seems to be kitting me right between the eyes! My best friend is graduating and leaving me to wade through my last year of High School without any true chica friends (at school). Another one of my friends, someone who I thought was one of my best friends, is starting to leave me in the lurch. My schedule for my Senior year is insane! And then, there's my relationship with Jon. So yeah. Life is insane. But amazing at the same time!
It's really awesome to have a GOD that totally gets me, even when life seems to be driving away and leaving me behind! GOD has really been showing me HIS majesty and love. . .and trust me, you've never known true love until you've been loved by GOD!!!
One more thing: my man prays with me! It's amazing! Ever since we've started praying together, our relationship has been growing in ways that I never thought possible. It's become where we pray together everytime we see each other -- it's really helped a lot! Last night, Jon and I stepped aside to pray together before he left. I had a posse of chicas sleeping over, and a couple of them were outside with us. When Jordan and Hannah saw Jon and I praying, they about had a heart attack! They were so amazed that I had found a guy that actually WANTS to pray with me! To quote Jordan: "I want a guy that prays with me!!!" Wow!!! GOD has blessed me in AWESOME ways!
Gotta go get ready for the banquet. . .which I will fill you in on later! Oh yeah, and I gotta tell you guys about Jon, too. . . . . . . .I promise to fill you soon! (Check back tomorrow. . .ish. . . .)
=] <3
"Whatever I gotta be,
I'll be for you.
Whatever you need from me,
To see you through.
Every one of us has stumbled,
And I'm for you!
~I'm For You, by TobyMac
I refuse to allow the Devil to steal my joy. I REFUSE! However. . .it is so much eaiser said than done. A lot of stuff seems to be kitting me right between the eyes! My best friend is graduating and leaving me to wade through my last year of High School without any true chica friends (at school). Another one of my friends, someone who I thought was one of my best friends, is starting to leave me in the lurch. My schedule for my Senior year is insane! And then, there's my relationship with Jon. So yeah. Life is insane. But amazing at the same time!
It's really awesome to have a GOD that totally gets me, even when life seems to be driving away and leaving me behind! GOD has really been showing me HIS majesty and love. . .and trust me, you've never known true love until you've been loved by GOD!!!
One more thing: my man prays with me! It's amazing! Ever since we've started praying together, our relationship has been growing in ways that I never thought possible. It's become where we pray together everytime we see each other -- it's really helped a lot! Last night, Jon and I stepped aside to pray together before he left. I had a posse of chicas sleeping over, and a couple of them were outside with us. When Jordan and Hannah saw Jon and I praying, they about had a heart attack! They were so amazed that I had found a guy that actually WANTS to pray with me! To quote Jordan: "I want a guy that prays with me!!!" Wow!!! GOD has blessed me in AWESOME ways!
Gotta go get ready for the banquet. . .which I will fill you in on later! Oh yeah, and I gotta tell you guys about Jon, too. . . . . . . .I promise to fill you soon! (Check back tomorrow. . .ish. . . .)
=] <3
"Whatever I gotta be,
I'll be for you.
Whatever you need from me,
To see you through.
Every one of us has stumbled,
And I'm for you!
~I'm For You, by TobyMac
Monday, May 5, 2008
History
Okay.
It's midnight.
And I can't sleep.
Jon's right. I need to rethink my sleeping habits.
I have a lot on my mind. Good things. Amazing things, actually.
Last night. . .okay, so this past weekend. . .was amazing.
Walls came down.
God is AWESOME!
I have been so blessed to have such an amazing guy in my life.
It's stunning.
Last night just hit me in the right spot, I guess.
We needed that.
I needed to be forgiven.
And I am.
100%.
God's like that, too.
No matter how many times we fall, He still comes and picks us up again.
He always forgives us.
Before last night, I guess I've never seen a true picture of that. I mean, my parents have forgiven me for sins and mistakes.
Last night was the first time I've ever bared my soul for someone outside of my family, to that extent.
And it was freeing.
No more secrets. No more dark closets with hidden past mistakes.
Just freedom.
Yesterday is history.
And history is miles away.
So leave it all behind you.
Let it always remind you of the day
The day
That love made history.
~Jistory, Matthew West
It's midnight.
And I can't sleep.
Jon's right. I need to rethink my sleeping habits.
I have a lot on my mind. Good things. Amazing things, actually.
Last night. . .okay, so this past weekend. . .was amazing.
Walls came down.
God is AWESOME!
I have been so blessed to have such an amazing guy in my life.
It's stunning.
Last night just hit me in the right spot, I guess.
We needed that.
I needed to be forgiven.
And I am.
100%.
God's like that, too.
No matter how many times we fall, He still comes and picks us up again.
He always forgives us.
Before last night, I guess I've never seen a true picture of that. I mean, my parents have forgiven me for sins and mistakes.
Last night was the first time I've ever bared my soul for someone outside of my family, to that extent.
And it was freeing.
No more secrets. No more dark closets with hidden past mistakes.
Just freedom.
Yesterday is history.
And history is miles away.
So leave it all behind you.
Let it always remind you of the day
The day
That love made history.
~Jistory, Matthew West
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Amazed
Wow. I really need to become more consistant with how often I write on here. Seriously. Anyway. . .
So before, I mentioned that in the past several years, I had been lowered further than I ever thought possible. And well, it was hard. Horrible, actually. And yet, I don't think I would be the person that I am today if I hadn't gone through all of that pain and heartache.
Everyone has things that they view as most important in their lives. It's different for each person. For me, it was BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had an insatiable hunger for love that I simply could not BEAR! I needed someone in my life to love me, to care for me, and to treat me like a princess. I have an amazing daddy -- however, in my narrow romantic perspective, I needed a Prince Charming to come and save the day. But , I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, as always! Like the song says: "Let's start at the very beginning. . ." (NOTE: The following is EXTREMELY ABRIDGED! Just a brief warning. . .)
Flashback: I was 11. I was insane! I was immature, to a point. I was impatient. And I was boy-crazy! I had countless crushes on various guys from the age of 9, and well. . .as you can imagine, it wasn't the best way for me to live my life at that age. Until, that is, I met Jon. I can still remember the day when that 15-passenger van pulled into our church parking lot. . .and eight kids walked out! Jon was the oldest at 13, blonde, and amazingly sweet.
On March 28, 2001, Jon gave me a literal love letter. Naturally, I. . .well. . .I FREAKED OUT! I was 11, and love letters only happened in fairy tales or really romatic movies.
That letter -- written in shaky, nervous-teenage-boy handwriting on a faded piece of sketch paper -- still echos in my mind. "My dearest Rachel. . ." From that moment on, I was enthralled. I was as much in love as a crazy 11 year old can ever be. We hung out at his farm, my farm, at church. . .etc. Days turned into weeks, to months, and before I knew it, several years had rolled by, and I was getting ready to be a Freshman in Highschool. Even before I walked through those doors of Hallstrom Homeschool Workshop, I had become less excited by the whole idea of "me and Jon." I was starting high school at an entirely new level. . .with amazing guys EVERYWHERE! I was totally unprepared for what happened next. . .
It happened like a nightmare, or one of those slow-motion scenes from a horror movie. I walked away from Jon. I met another guy (who I will keep nameless). He was a Sophomore, played guitar, and was exceptionally popular. He asked me out on December 7, 2004, and a week later, I broke up with Jon to go out with "the other guy." The look on Jon's face is forever burned into my mind. There are not enough words in the English, Spanish, or French languages combined to express my guilt and regret. I turned away, and walked straight into the arms of Death.
To make an extremely long story short, Mr. Popular left me in the lurch three months later. And well. . .I began a vicious cycle of going from boy to boy to boy that nearly destroyed me. I began to loose myself. I harbored thoughts of suicide, and I even began a brief decent into self-mutilation. I hated my body and physical appearance -- everything about myself became loathsome in my mind. There was no point to life. No one would ever love me. I just knew that I would spend the rest of my pathetic life as a lonely girl who did nothing but wander among guys until I died. I had become a "Christian" at the age of 4, and then 7, and finally at 12. But those were nothing more than the cries of a little girl who was scared of going to hell. At that time in my life, God seemed angry, distant, and cruel.
And then I went to Peru.
In 2006, I went on my first mission trip to Lima, Peru, South America. It was incredible! God worked in my heart and life like nothing I have ever experienced before! God revealed Himself to me as the One who loved me and cared for me. I shed my self-loathing, and became a new person. It was an experience that I will never forget. But even still, I had not surrendered the one thing that I desperately needed to lay down before God -- boys.
When school started my Sophomore year, I was ready to make a new start with new friends and a new reputation. And it was then that God sent my guardian angel into my life -- Michael. Michael was the older brother of one of my close friends, and we hit it off pretty quick. We were exceptionally close in age (four days apart, with me being older), and we share(d) a love for writing and the theatric. I had a brief crush on him which soon faded when it became clear to me that we could never view each other as anything more than friends. In the nightmarish days that followed, Michael never wavered as my support and best friend. However, I continued my path to destruction in the area of boys. I never listened to Michael's wise council to give up dating and puruse patience and courtship when the right guy came along. Oh, I wish I would have! To please Michael, I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. However, I didn't want to give up my dating lifestyle. And yet, Michael never gave up on me. He was always waiting at the bottom of the cliff to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart and put me back together. . .again! He prayed for me and loved me through all the nightmares that followed me for the next several years.
The summer of 2007 was the turning point for me, I think. Three major events in my life that changed me forever all occured from July to August '07. . .and, wow. . .
First of all, I went back to Peru for the second time. It was here that God stripped away my hard heart and began to reveal to me the amazing plans that He had for my life. And it was there, kneeling on the mountain with tears streaming down my face and a rare beam of sunlight pouring out of the clouds, that I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. He became my Lord in all areas of my life. . .oh, except for boys! (No, I just don't LEARN!!!!)
[Okay, so by now, you might be wondering how Jon plays into this whole long life-story thing. It's coming, trust me!!! Bear with me. . .you won't regret it!]
The week after I came home from Peru, I left to attend Masterpiece Fine Arts Camp in Kentucky. It was a week of tears, another [exceptionally brief] relationship, and God working through my pen to create some of the most amazing poetry that I have ever penned in my entire LIFE! It was also here that Jon re-entered my mind. I mean, I had seen him at church and various Youth Group events, but our friendship had been entirely severed. He ignored me, and made a point to avoid me at all possible oppertunities. While I was sitting on a small cement bench under a tree, Jon's face somehow made its way into my head. I wrote my feelings at the time into one of my brief poems, which I will post on here eventually.
After leaving Kentucky, I headed to Colorado for a two-week Youth Leadership seminar called Summit. And it was there that I made three of the biggest mistakes of my life: a) I gave yet another piece of my heart away to a very smooth-taking guy[name withheld], b) I gave away my first kiss, and c) I put myself in a compromising position with this guy. And he took advantage of it. To sum it up: he tried to rape me. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my entire life. Thank God that I was able to escape with my purity untainted. However, the event scarred me. And the Devil used it.
I began to fall into various traps that the Devil laid at my feet. I was tempted, and I sucumbed far too many times. While God had saved my physical purity, I allowed my mental purity to be stripped away from me, little by little. It was God that saved me. Only God. I shudder to think where I would be today if I hadn't gotten out.
At this time, I entered into a relationship with another guy. This one was a true test of my loyalty, and even though he was giving me no affection or love whatsoever, I stuck with him to prove to myself that I could stick it out. Even when the going got really really really really tough!!
This is where it starts getting amazing, people. My sister went to visit her family up in Minnesota in March of 2008. On Thursday, March 27, I invited Rachel (Jon's younger sister and one of my exceptionally close friends) to sleep over at my house. Jon was driving me and Rachel from their house to the restaurant where our mothers were waiting for us. In the course of the conversation, my former relationship with Jon came up. And it was in that moment that I discovered something that I had never known before: I had brutally hurt Jon. I was stunned. I had no idea. . . . .I wanted to beg his forgiveness right then and there, but he jumped out of the van as soon as we got there, and I didn't get the chance to talk to him alone. So I had to resort to the next best thing: a phone call.
I called him on his cell phone, and poured out my heart to him. I remember very little of that conversation, with the exception of three sentences.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I had no idea."
That following Sunday, our church's Youth Group went bowling after church. I went. And so did Jon. It was a combination of flirting and awkwardness. It was then that I looked into his eyes and realized: "This is the one. This is the guy that I could have spent the rest of my life with. And I blew it. Oh God, why. . . . . . . .??"
On Monday, April 6th, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. About three minutes after I was dumped, Jon texted me. And he HATES texting. Over the past several weeks, I've come to see why. . .sorta!
It's been a God-thing ever since. I mean, it always was a God-thing. But honestly, it took so much longer than it should have. It's been almost seven years since Jon first gave me that letter. And I wish that I would have never left him. But honestly, I had a lot of surrendering to do before this relationship would have ever worked. And now. . .I am amazed. God is so AWESOME!!!!
On April 13, 2008, Jon met with my dad and asked his permission to court me. My dad said yes!!!!!!
On April 26, 2008, Jon gave me a promise ring. I thought I was going to die. Do you know how unworthy I felt? I remember burying my face in my hands and just sobbing. It was the most amazing experience of my life.
Through this relationship, I have shed more tears than I ever thought possible. Tears of sorrow and regret, tears of joy and euphoira, as well as a combination of the two! The strange thing is: this is only the abridged version of the story. I know that I have left out many details and situations. I do intend to correct that over the next several months. But you know something? The main idea is the following: a) God is AWESOME, b) GOD IS AWESOME!, and c) GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every little thing that you do,
I'm so in love with you.
It just keeps getting better.
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever.
Every little thing that you do,
I'm amazed by you.
~Amazed by Lonestar
Before the Throne of God above,
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to dispair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
~Before the Throne of God Above
So before, I mentioned that in the past several years, I had been lowered further than I ever thought possible. And well, it was hard. Horrible, actually. And yet, I don't think I would be the person that I am today if I hadn't gone through all of that pain and heartache.
Everyone has things that they view as most important in their lives. It's different for each person. For me, it was BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had an insatiable hunger for love that I simply could not BEAR! I needed someone in my life to love me, to care for me, and to treat me like a princess. I have an amazing daddy -- however, in my narrow romantic perspective, I needed a Prince Charming to come and save the day. But , I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, as always! Like the song says: "Let's start at the very beginning. . ." (NOTE: The following is EXTREMELY ABRIDGED! Just a brief warning. . .)
Flashback: I was 11. I was insane! I was immature, to a point. I was impatient. And I was boy-crazy! I had countless crushes on various guys from the age of 9, and well. . .as you can imagine, it wasn't the best way for me to live my life at that age. Until, that is, I met Jon. I can still remember the day when that 15-passenger van pulled into our church parking lot. . .and eight kids walked out! Jon was the oldest at 13, blonde, and amazingly sweet.
On March 28, 2001, Jon gave me a literal love letter. Naturally, I. . .well. . .I FREAKED OUT! I was 11, and love letters only happened in fairy tales or really romatic movies.
That letter -- written in shaky, nervous-teenage-boy handwriting on a faded piece of sketch paper -- still echos in my mind. "My dearest Rachel. . ." From that moment on, I was enthralled. I was as much in love as a crazy 11 year old can ever be. We hung out at his farm, my farm, at church. . .etc. Days turned into weeks, to months, and before I knew it, several years had rolled by, and I was getting ready to be a Freshman in Highschool. Even before I walked through those doors of Hallstrom Homeschool Workshop, I had become less excited by the whole idea of "me and Jon." I was starting high school at an entirely new level. . .with amazing guys EVERYWHERE! I was totally unprepared for what happened next. . .
It happened like a nightmare, or one of those slow-motion scenes from a horror movie. I walked away from Jon. I met another guy (who I will keep nameless). He was a Sophomore, played guitar, and was exceptionally popular. He asked me out on December 7, 2004, and a week later, I broke up with Jon to go out with "the other guy." The look on Jon's face is forever burned into my mind. There are not enough words in the English, Spanish, or French languages combined to express my guilt and regret. I turned away, and walked straight into the arms of Death.
To make an extremely long story short, Mr. Popular left me in the lurch three months later. And well. . .I began a vicious cycle of going from boy to boy to boy that nearly destroyed me. I began to loose myself. I harbored thoughts of suicide, and I even began a brief decent into self-mutilation. I hated my body and physical appearance -- everything about myself became loathsome in my mind. There was no point to life. No one would ever love me. I just knew that I would spend the rest of my pathetic life as a lonely girl who did nothing but wander among guys until I died. I had become a "Christian" at the age of 4, and then 7, and finally at 12. But those were nothing more than the cries of a little girl who was scared of going to hell. At that time in my life, God seemed angry, distant, and cruel.
And then I went to Peru.
In 2006, I went on my first mission trip to Lima, Peru, South America. It was incredible! God worked in my heart and life like nothing I have ever experienced before! God revealed Himself to me as the One who loved me and cared for me. I shed my self-loathing, and became a new person. It was an experience that I will never forget. But even still, I had not surrendered the one thing that I desperately needed to lay down before God -- boys.
When school started my Sophomore year, I was ready to make a new start with new friends and a new reputation. And it was then that God sent my guardian angel into my life -- Michael. Michael was the older brother of one of my close friends, and we hit it off pretty quick. We were exceptionally close in age (four days apart, with me being older), and we share(d) a love for writing and the theatric. I had a brief crush on him which soon faded when it became clear to me that we could never view each other as anything more than friends. In the nightmarish days that followed, Michael never wavered as my support and best friend. However, I continued my path to destruction in the area of boys. I never listened to Michael's wise council to give up dating and puruse patience and courtship when the right guy came along. Oh, I wish I would have! To please Michael, I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. However, I didn't want to give up my dating lifestyle. And yet, Michael never gave up on me. He was always waiting at the bottom of the cliff to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart and put me back together. . .again! He prayed for me and loved me through all the nightmares that followed me for the next several years.
The summer of 2007 was the turning point for me, I think. Three major events in my life that changed me forever all occured from July to August '07. . .and, wow. . .
First of all, I went back to Peru for the second time. It was here that God stripped away my hard heart and began to reveal to me the amazing plans that He had for my life. And it was there, kneeling on the mountain with tears streaming down my face and a rare beam of sunlight pouring out of the clouds, that I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. He became my Lord in all areas of my life. . .oh, except for boys! (No, I just don't LEARN!!!!)
[Okay, so by now, you might be wondering how Jon plays into this whole long life-story thing. It's coming, trust me!!! Bear with me. . .you won't regret it!]
The week after I came home from Peru, I left to attend Masterpiece Fine Arts Camp in Kentucky. It was a week of tears, another [exceptionally brief] relationship, and God working through my pen to create some of the most amazing poetry that I have ever penned in my entire LIFE! It was also here that Jon re-entered my mind. I mean, I had seen him at church and various Youth Group events, but our friendship had been entirely severed. He ignored me, and made a point to avoid me at all possible oppertunities. While I was sitting on a small cement bench under a tree, Jon's face somehow made its way into my head. I wrote my feelings at the time into one of my brief poems, which I will post on here eventually.
After leaving Kentucky, I headed to Colorado for a two-week Youth Leadership seminar called Summit. And it was there that I made three of the biggest mistakes of my life: a) I gave yet another piece of my heart away to a very smooth-taking guy[name withheld], b) I gave away my first kiss, and c) I put myself in a compromising position with this guy. And he took advantage of it. To sum it up: he tried to rape me. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my entire life. Thank God that I was able to escape with my purity untainted. However, the event scarred me. And the Devil used it.
I began to fall into various traps that the Devil laid at my feet. I was tempted, and I sucumbed far too many times. While God had saved my physical purity, I allowed my mental purity to be stripped away from me, little by little. It was God that saved me. Only God. I shudder to think where I would be today if I hadn't gotten out.
At this time, I entered into a relationship with another guy. This one was a true test of my loyalty, and even though he was giving me no affection or love whatsoever, I stuck with him to prove to myself that I could stick it out. Even when the going got really really really really tough!!
This is where it starts getting amazing, people. My sister went to visit her family up in Minnesota in March of 2008. On Thursday, March 27, I invited Rachel (Jon's younger sister and one of my exceptionally close friends) to sleep over at my house. Jon was driving me and Rachel from their house to the restaurant where our mothers were waiting for us. In the course of the conversation, my former relationship with Jon came up. And it was in that moment that I discovered something that I had never known before: I had brutally hurt Jon. I was stunned. I had no idea. . . . .I wanted to beg his forgiveness right then and there, but he jumped out of the van as soon as we got there, and I didn't get the chance to talk to him alone. So I had to resort to the next best thing: a phone call.
I called him on his cell phone, and poured out my heart to him. I remember very little of that conversation, with the exception of three sentences.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I had no idea."
That following Sunday, our church's Youth Group went bowling after church. I went. And so did Jon. It was a combination of flirting and awkwardness. It was then that I looked into his eyes and realized: "This is the one. This is the guy that I could have spent the rest of my life with. And I blew it. Oh God, why. . . . . . . .??"
On Monday, April 6th, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. About three minutes after I was dumped, Jon texted me. And he HATES texting. Over the past several weeks, I've come to see why. . .sorta!
It's been a God-thing ever since. I mean, it always was a God-thing. But honestly, it took so much longer than it should have. It's been almost seven years since Jon first gave me that letter. And I wish that I would have never left him. But honestly, I had a lot of surrendering to do before this relationship would have ever worked. And now. . .I am amazed. God is so AWESOME!!!!
On April 13, 2008, Jon met with my dad and asked his permission to court me. My dad said yes!!!!!!
On April 26, 2008, Jon gave me a promise ring. I thought I was going to die. Do you know how unworthy I felt? I remember burying my face in my hands and just sobbing. It was the most amazing experience of my life.
Through this relationship, I have shed more tears than I ever thought possible. Tears of sorrow and regret, tears of joy and euphoira, as well as a combination of the two! The strange thing is: this is only the abridged version of the story. I know that I have left out many details and situations. I do intend to correct that over the next several months. But you know something? The main idea is the following: a) God is AWESOME, b) GOD IS AWESOME!, and c) GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every little thing that you do,
I'm so in love with you.
It just keeps getting better.
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever.
Every little thing that you do,
I'm amazed by you.
~Amazed by Lonestar
Before the Throne of God above,
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to dispair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
~Before the Throne of God Above
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The Way to Begin
Okay, so. . .blogging is apparently all the rage now. And, since I am a writer at heart, I figure that starting a blog might not be the worst idea in the world. What better way to just get all this stuff out of my really random/weird/totally insane mind [!!!] than by just keeping it all locked inside me. So here is a small peak into my heart, my mind, and my soul. Poetry, ramblings, thoughts, song lyrics, quotes: anything that strikes me! And let me tell you -- what a way to begin than on a day like this!
Do you ever wonder how, sometimes, God has this amazing plan worked out for your life, and then you totally go and try to ignore it? Jonah did -- and look how it turned out for him! I suppose that you could say that I've been a Jonah, of sorts, over the past several years of my life. I thought I knew what God wanted. . .and I didn't exactly like the idea. So, I tried to run away. . .and I hit a brick wall! I hit total rock-bottom, and I was still decending lower and lower and lower and. . .well, you get the idea.
But God wasn't done with me yet. I wonder how He manages to put up with me when I have an extreme dendency to fall on my butt A LOT! But He always comes and picks me back up again. For all of my life, I've known about the grace of God. I've been taught and instructed about this concept since I was a little kid. But never have I felt it so clearly as I have today. . .and the strange thing is: I can't even tell you why!
Yeah, even on my blog, I have to keep some secrets! Maybe one day, when the time is right, the story will find its way onto my blog. Maybe even into a best-selling book one day -- aside from the great American novel that I do still intend to write! Anyway. . .they say that people can cry tears of joy and tears of sadness. Can they do it at the same time? I did about an hour ago, so I guess that you can! Tears of sorrow and regret over choices that I have made in my life -- and some were pretty off-the-wall! And then, there were tears of joy that come with the realization that maybe it's not too late. . . . . . . . . . . .but that's another story! There's something that the younger of my two brothers [Micah] has said to me time and time again: "No matter what happens, the sun will still rise tomorrow, and Jesus Christ will still be Lord." Truer words were never spoken.
You wanna be real?
You wanna have purpose in this life?
You wanna be someone,
Laying down your pride?
You wanna be someone someday?
Lay it all down before the King.
Oh yeah.
You wanna be whole?
You wanna have purpose inside?
You wanna have virtue,
And purify your mind?
You wanna be set free today?
Then lay it all down before the King.
Oh yeah
THIS IS MY DESIRE
TO BE USED BY YOU!!
~"My Desire" -- Jeremy Camp~
Do you ever wonder how, sometimes, God has this amazing plan worked out for your life, and then you totally go and try to ignore it? Jonah did -- and look how it turned out for him! I suppose that you could say that I've been a Jonah, of sorts, over the past several years of my life. I thought I knew what God wanted. . .and I didn't exactly like the idea. So, I tried to run away. . .and I hit a brick wall! I hit total rock-bottom, and I was still decending lower and lower and lower and. . .well, you get the idea.
But God wasn't done with me yet. I wonder how He manages to put up with me when I have an extreme dendency to fall on my butt A LOT! But He always comes and picks me back up again. For all of my life, I've known about the grace of God. I've been taught and instructed about this concept since I was a little kid. But never have I felt it so clearly as I have today. . .and the strange thing is: I can't even tell you why!
Yeah, even on my blog, I have to keep some secrets! Maybe one day, when the time is right, the story will find its way onto my blog. Maybe even into a best-selling book one day -- aside from the great American novel that I do still intend to write! Anyway. . .they say that people can cry tears of joy and tears of sadness. Can they do it at the same time? I did about an hour ago, so I guess that you can! Tears of sorrow and regret over choices that I have made in my life -- and some were pretty off-the-wall! And then, there were tears of joy that come with the realization that maybe it's not too late. . . . . . . . . . . .but that's another story! There's something that the younger of my two brothers [Micah] has said to me time and time again: "No matter what happens, the sun will still rise tomorrow, and Jesus Christ will still be Lord." Truer words were never spoken.
You wanna be real?
You wanna have purpose in this life?
You wanna be someone,
Laying down your pride?
You wanna be someone someday?
Lay it all down before the King.
Oh yeah.
You wanna be whole?
You wanna have purpose inside?
You wanna have virtue,
And purify your mind?
You wanna be set free today?
Then lay it all down before the King.
Oh yeah
THIS IS MY DESIRE
TO BE USED BY YOU!!
~"My Desire" -- Jeremy Camp~
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