Amazed

Wow. I really need to become more consistant with how often I write on here. Seriously. Anyway. . .

So before, I mentioned that in the past several years, I had been lowered further than I ever thought possible. And well, it was hard. Horrible, actually. And yet, I don't think I would be the person that I am today if I hadn't gone through all of that pain and heartache.

Everyone has things that they view as most important in their lives. It's different for each person. For me, it was BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had an insatiable hunger for love that I simply could not BEAR! I needed someone in my life to love me, to care for me, and to treat me like a princess. I have an amazing daddy -- however, in my narrow romantic perspective, I needed a Prince Charming to come and save the day. But , I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, as always! Like the song says: "Let's start at the very beginning. . ." (NOTE: The following is EXTREMELY ABRIDGED! Just a brief warning. . .)

Flashback: I was 11. I was insane! I was immature, to a point. I was impatient. And I was boy-crazy! I had countless crushes on various guys from the age of 9, and well. . .as you can imagine, it wasn't the best way for me to live my life at that age. Until, that is, I met Jon. I can still remember the day when that 15-passenger van pulled into our church parking lot. . .and eight kids walked out! Jon was the oldest at 13, blonde, and amazingly sweet.

On March 28, 2001, Jon gave me a literal love letter. Naturally, I. . .well. . .I FREAKED OUT! I was 11, and love letters only happened in fairy tales or really romatic movies.

That letter -- written in shaky, nervous-teenage-boy handwriting on a faded piece of sketch paper -- still echos in my mind. "My dearest Rachel. . ." From that moment on, I was enthralled. I was as much in love as a crazy 11 year old can ever be. We hung out at his farm, my farm, at church. . .etc. Days turned into weeks, to months, and before I knew it, several years had rolled by, and I was getting ready to be a Freshman in Highschool. Even before I walked through those doors of Hallstrom Homeschool Workshop, I had become less excited by the whole idea of "me and Jon." I was starting high school at an entirely new level. . .with amazing guys EVERYWHERE! I was totally unprepared for what happened next. . .

It happened like a nightmare, or one of those slow-motion scenes from a horror movie. I walked away from Jon. I met another guy (who I will keep nameless). He was a Sophomore, played guitar, and was exceptionally popular. He asked me out on December 7, 2004, and a week later, I broke up with Jon to go out with "the other guy." The look on Jon's face is forever burned into my mind. There are not enough words in the English, Spanish, or French languages combined to express my guilt and regret. I turned away, and walked straight into the arms of Death.

To make an extremely long story short, Mr. Popular left me in the lurch three months later. And well. . .I began a vicious cycle of going from boy to boy to boy that nearly destroyed me. I began to loose myself. I harbored thoughts of suicide, and I even began a brief decent into self-mutilation. I hated my body and physical appearance -- everything about myself became loathsome in my mind. There was no point to life. No one would ever love me. I just knew that I would spend the rest of my pathetic life as a lonely girl who did nothing but wander among guys until I died. I had become a "Christian" at the age of 4, and then 7, and finally at 12. But those were nothing more than the cries of a little girl who was scared of going to hell. At that time in my life, God seemed angry, distant, and cruel.

And then I went to Peru.

In 2006, I went on my first mission trip to Lima, Peru, South America. It was incredible! God worked in my heart and life like nothing I have ever experienced before! God revealed Himself to me as the One who loved me and cared for me. I shed my self-loathing, and became a new person. It was an experience that I will never forget. But even still, I had not surrendered the one thing that I desperately needed to lay down before God -- boys.

When school started my Sophomore year, I was ready to make a new start with new friends and a new reputation. And it was then that God sent my guardian angel into my life -- Michael. Michael was the older brother of one of my close friends, and we hit it off pretty quick. We were exceptionally close in age (four days apart, with me being older), and we share(d) a love for writing and the theatric. I had a brief crush on him which soon faded when it became clear to me that we could never view each other as anything more than friends. In the nightmarish days that followed, Michael never wavered as my support and best friend. However, I continued my path to destruction in the area of boys. I never listened to Michael's wise council to give up dating and puruse patience and courtship when the right guy came along. Oh, I wish I would have! To please Michael, I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. However, I didn't want to give up my dating lifestyle. And yet, Michael never gave up on me. He was always waiting at the bottom of the cliff to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart and put me back together. . .again! He prayed for me and loved me through all the nightmares that followed me for the next several years.

The summer of 2007 was the turning point for me, I think. Three major events in my life that changed me forever all occured from July to August '07. . .and, wow. . .

First of all, I went back to Peru for the second time. It was here that God stripped away my hard heart and began to reveal to me the amazing plans that He had for my life. And it was there, kneeling on the mountain with tears streaming down my face and a rare beam of sunlight pouring out of the clouds, that I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. He became my Lord in all areas of my life. . .oh, except for boys! (No, I just don't LEARN!!!!)

[Okay, so by now, you might be wondering how Jon plays into this whole long life-story thing. It's coming, trust me!!! Bear with me. . .you won't regret it!]

The week after I came home from Peru, I left to attend Masterpiece Fine Arts Camp in Kentucky. It was a week of tears, another [exceptionally brief] relationship, and God working through my pen to create some of the most amazing poetry that I have ever penned in my entire LIFE! It was also here that Jon re-entered my mind. I mean, I had seen him at church and various Youth Group events, but our friendship had been entirely severed. He ignored me, and made a point to avoid me at all possible oppertunities. While I was sitting on a small cement bench under a tree, Jon's face somehow made its way into my head. I wrote my feelings at the time into one of my brief poems, which I will post on here eventually.

After leaving Kentucky, I headed to Colorado for a two-week Youth Leadership seminar called Summit. And it was there that I made three of the biggest mistakes of my life: a) I gave yet another piece of my heart away to a very smooth-taking guy[name withheld], b) I gave away my first kiss, and c) I put myself in a compromising position with this guy. And he took advantage of it. To sum it up: he tried to rape me. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my entire life. Thank God that I was able to escape with my purity untainted. However, the event scarred me. And the Devil used it.

I began to fall into various traps that the Devil laid at my feet. I was tempted, and I sucumbed far too many times. While God had saved my physical purity, I allowed my mental purity to be stripped away from me, little by little. It was God that saved me. Only God. I shudder to think where I would be today if I hadn't gotten out.

At this time, I entered into a relationship with another guy. This one was a true test of my loyalty, and even though he was giving me no affection or love whatsoever, I stuck with him to prove to myself that I could stick it out. Even when the going got really really really really tough!!

This is where it starts getting amazing, people. My sister went to visit her family up in Minnesota in March of 2008. On Thursday, March 27, I invited Rachel (Jon's younger sister and one of my exceptionally close friends) to sleep over at my house. Jon was driving me and Rachel from their house to the restaurant where our mothers were waiting for us. In the course of the conversation, my former relationship with Jon came up. And it was in that moment that I discovered something that I had never known before: I had brutally hurt Jon. I was stunned. I had no idea. . . . .I wanted to beg his forgiveness right then and there, but he jumped out of the van as soon as we got there, and I didn't get the chance to talk to him alone. So I had to resort to the next best thing: a phone call.

I called him on his cell phone, and poured out my heart to him. I remember very little of that conversation, with the exception of three sentences.

"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I had no idea."

That following Sunday, our church's Youth Group went bowling after church. I went. And so did Jon. It was a combination of flirting and awkwardness. It was then that I looked into his eyes and realized: "This is the one. This is the guy that I could have spent the rest of my life with. And I blew it. Oh God, why. . . . . . . .??"

On Monday, April 6th, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. About three minutes after I was dumped, Jon texted me. And he HATES texting. Over the past several weeks, I've come to see why. . .sorta!

It's been a God-thing ever since. I mean, it always was a God-thing. But honestly, it took so much longer than it should have. It's been almost seven years since Jon first gave me that letter. And I wish that I would have never left him. But honestly, I had a lot of surrendering to do before this relationship would have ever worked. And now. . .I am amazed. God is so AWESOME!!!!

On April 13, 2008, Jon met with my dad and asked his permission to court me. My dad said yes!!!!!!

On April 26, 2008, Jon gave me a promise ring. I thought I was going to die. Do you know how unworthy I felt? I remember burying my face in my hands and just sobbing. It was the most amazing experience of my life.

Through this relationship, I have shed more tears than I ever thought possible. Tears of sorrow and regret, tears of joy and euphoira, as well as a combination of the two! The strange thing is: this is only the abridged version of the story. I know that I have left out many details and situations. I do intend to correct that over the next several months. But you know something? The main idea is the following: a) God is AWESOME, b) GOD IS AWESOME!, and c) GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every little thing that you do,
I'm so in love with you.
It just keeps getting better.
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever.
Every little thing that you do,
I'm amazed by you.
~Amazed by Lonestar

Before the Throne of God above,
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to dispair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
~Before the Throne of God Above