My Savior, My God

I have so much to say right now, and very little time/space in which to convey it all! So much of my thoughts seem cliche and overstated to the point of redundency. . .oh, well. Here goes.

Over the past several months, God has taken my life in a COMPLETELY different direction that what I had originally imagined. (Yep. That was my first mistake -- attempting to tell God what to do!!) I had envisioned myself going to a major university, majoring in physcology/history, becoming a cop/CSI, meeting a guy, falling in love, getting married, and maybe having one or two kids while still trying to maintain a career. Now, everything is flying the opposite way! Don't get me wrong -- it's a good thing! But either way, it's been a switch.

To be honest, it's been much harder than I expected. I didn't expect to break down crying whenever I saw a squard car. I didn't expect giving up my dreams of a big-time school. I didn't think that I would ever be happy as a stay-at-home mother (for the most part). It's like I've been living in this beautiful penthouse suite alongside the ocean. The enterior is lavish. The furnishings are top-line stuff. Very expensive, very chic, very extravagant. And I have become accustomed to this life of luxery. And then, there's a storm. Not a horrible storm, but just enough to blow open the windows of my penthouse. And I catch a glimpse of what lies outside. The sun is beautiful, although slightly hidden by clouds. The surf is pounding against the shoreline -- fierce and terrifying, and yet, breathtaking. I have been trapped inside for such a long time that I have been missing all of the beauty that is waiting for me -- just outside the window.

I'm seeing God move me in so many incredible ways. I'm branching out in my writing, exploring all the avenues of literary advancement. Working as a writer out of my home doesn't seem so bad. God has brought a wonderful young man into my life -- one that has been such a blessing to me that there aren't enough words to express my feelings!

I know that I have been a bit of an emotional wreck over the past several weeks. And I know that Jon has bourne the brunt of my mood swings. I have had many doubts, fears, and uncertainties about my own adequacy and my ability to be the best woman for him. I have struggled with my past, and the way that other boys have treated me throughout the years. Jon is NOT anything like those old boyfriends. I am secure in his affection for me. I know that he will forgive me and be there for me -- through any storm or trial that might hit us throughout the years. He truly cares for me. This is something entirely new for me. I have been scared to let down my guard, scared to trust, scared to let myself fall again. But this time I know that Jon is not going to stand back and let me fall to my death. He will do his best to catch me. He is seeking God in our relationship. He is leading us toward God and His purpose instead of away from His glory. I can feel myself growing deeper and deeper into the heart of God through my relationship with Jon. And it is a glorious thing indeed!

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know, at His right Hand,
Stands One who is my Savior.
I take Him at His word and deed.
Christ died to save me, this I read.
And in my heart, I find the need
Of Him to be my Savior.
That He would leave His place on High
And come for sinful men to die.
You count it strange?
So once did I
Before I knew my Savior!
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me!
My God He was, my God He is --
My God He's ALWAYS GONNA BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~My Savior, My God -- Aaron Shust