I Swear

(WARNING [again]: My romantic mood has returned with a vengeance. It is accompanied by a vague sense of melancholy and serenity. So. . .be on the DOUBLE alert!)

This is one of the strangest moods that I've been in over the past [almost] two months. Since I started going out with Jon, everything has changed. Sometimes, I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an empty field, surrounded by darkness, completely alone. None of my other friends is going through an experience like this. It's almost a fear of the unknown. It's been the most confusing, beautiful, wonderful, painful, emotional experience of my life. And yet, he has never left me. I've sent him on an bigger and crazier emotional rollercoaster than [I don't think] either of us ever expected. But the best part is that he is holding my hand, and God is carrying both of us. That is one of the most incredible pictures that I have ever encountered. The thought of being cradled in the arms of my Heavenly Father, as well as being loved by the man that God has especially picked out for me. . .wow!

To be honest, I've been dwelling in a weird and unnecessary fear of rejection and abandonment. You've heard the expression, "If you constantly hit a dog, eventually, it won't be able to receive affection." I guess I'm just like that little puppy. I've been slapped around for so long that I'm still living in fear that, one day, he's just gonna walk away. And I'm scared. Or at least, I was.

Yesterday afternoon, Jon and I were talking on the couch, and I made the comment that I had never actually cried on his shoulder before. I had cried numerous times while we've been on the phone together, but I've never actually fell apart when we were face-to-face. It wasn't something that I was dwelling on; it just happened to be something that I thought of at that particular moment. Sure enough, that night, I had an emotional break-down. I was under a great deal of stress due to a variety of circumstances, and I just collapsed. It was then that Jon put his arm around me, and just let me cry into his shoulder. Right in that moment of sheer emotional agony, God spoke directly to my heart. It was as if He said, "Look. I have given you this man for you to lean on. Let yourself trust him, daughter." I broke down sobbing into Jon's shoulder. . .and he just held me and let me cry my heart out. I let go. Fully. And I feel like a part of me has been restored to life again.

I see the questions in your eyes.
I know what's weighing on your mind.
You can be sure I know my part.
Cuz I'll stand beside you through the years.
You'll only cry those happy tears.
And though I've made mistakes,
I'll never break your heart.

And I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky.
I'll be there.
I swear, like the shadow that's by your side.
I'll be there.
For better or worse, 'till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart.
And I swear.

I'll give you everything I can.
I'll build your dreams with these two hands.
We'll hang some memories on the walls.
And when just the two of us are there,
You won't have to ask if I still care.
Cuz as the times may change,
My love won't fade at all.
~I Swear, Boyz II Men (R&B Version) / John Michael Mountgomery (Country Version)